


Live For Me

by OfTheAshTree62



Category: Bleach
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst with a Happy Ending, Body Worship, Feelings Realization, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, Oral Sex, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-29
Updated: 2020-12-31
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:48:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 23,839
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27768550
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OfTheAshTree62/pseuds/OfTheAshTree62
Summary: When Byakuya finds a way to be completely honest with Renji about his feelings, things go terribly wrong. Drunkenness, paranoia, and guilt follow, leaving Renji inconsolable and at the end of his rope trying to interpret his stoic Captain.
Relationships: Abarai Renji/Kuchiki Byakuya
Comments: 11
Kudos: 36





	1. Drunken Secrets

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Dev14](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Dev14/gifts).



The Sixth Division was usually quiet…  _ usually _ . 

Byakuya successfully kept himself from cringing at the volume of the voices not ten feet from his desk. He had considered telling them all to leave, but it was actual business this time. Business that had turned into a social call. But his Lieutenant seemed to be enjoying himself, so Byakuya didn’t bother. It was odd to think such things actually mattered to him, but he had been observing Renji for years, and through all of the brash, loud, idiotic things he did, he actually proved himself to be quite devoted and loyal to his Captain, and that didn’t slip by Byakuya’s notice. 

Their conversation was running long, though, and if he didn’t say  _ something _ , this would surely become a regular occurrence. 

“Lieutenants Hisagi, Kira, and Matsumoto, you have invaded my office with your pointless chatter for long enough. Return to your regular duties,” he commanded, his deep voice easily catching their attention. All three sets of eyes whipped around to him, and the room fell silent instantly. 

“S-Sorry, Captain Kuchiki. We’ll go now,” Izuru stuttered, bowing politely toward the Captain. “See you later, Renji,” he muttered, leading the others from the office as they gave a subdued farewell. 

Renji glared over to his Captain. The man always knew how to ruin his day. Though, he had to admit he hadn’t been all that productive that day. His desk was cluttered with unfinished work, and the others had only been thoroughly distracting him. With a heavy sigh, he continued to do… something. He wasn’t even sure where he had stopped before the other three had taken his attention. 

“You were working on the quarterly Division report. It’s due first thing next week,” Byakuya commented from across the room. Renji’s eyes shot up. His Captain wasn’t even looking at him. How did he know he was trying to figure out what the hell he was doing? 

“Thanks, Captain. I kinda forgot what I was doing for a minute,” he admitted sheepishly. He began sifting through the papers before him, eventually pulling out the report from the mess and proceeding to pick up where he left off.

“Your spiritual pressure reeks of your mood, Lieutenant, so when you stare blankly at your desk and your spirit energy stumbles a bit, I know you’ve lost your train of thought. I have told you to learn to control it, but it seems, like everything else I tell you, that advice has fallen on deaf ears,” Byakuya explained. He felt Renji’s eyes on him again, but refused to meet his gaze. Renji truly shouldn’t have been surprised. Having spent so many years in one another’s presence, Byakuya was confident that his Lieutenant would have had the same acute awareness of  _ his  _ spiritual pressure if he had the mind to pay attention to such things. 

The remainder of the day passed in peaceful silence, though that gave Byakuya far too much time with his thoughts. Admitting that he kept such close tabs on his subordinate shouldn’t have unnerved him so much. After all, he was highly aware of  _ all  _ of the spirit energy around him. Surely Renji wouldn’t read into his observation. Even if he did, though, Byakuya wasn’t sure how he would take it. A part of him  _ wanted  _ to let Renji closer to him, though that part of him was always quickly overshadowed by the discipline that had been instilled in him by the Kuchiki elders. He had long abandoned the desire to express much emotion, especially something as revealing as attraction.

Because he  _ was  _ attracted to Renji. 

There was no doubt about that. 

* * *

Over the next several weeks, Renji felt something a bit different in the office. He wasn’t sure what it was, perhaps an uncharacteristic levity, but he never could identify the source. It couldn’t be his stoic, unfeeling Captain. His spirit energy was locked so tightly that there was no way Renji could ever read it accurately. When he glanced over to his desk, which he did often, the cold facade was always flawlessly in place. It had been  _ years _ and he had never even seen a hint of a smile on that beautiful face. 

Renji would have done  _ anything  _ to be the source of Byakuya’s happiness, but he was nothing to him, and he never would be. Not only was he lower in rank and social status, he just wasn’t… right for Byakuya. He was always reminded how loud, inconsiderate, and undisciplined he was. It was overtly clear that Byakuya would never want someone like that. Someone as refined, controlled, and commanding as him deserved better anyway.

“Captain, is there anything else I can help with today?” Renji asked, watching intently for even a trace of emotion. Slate gray eyes came up to meet his gaze, and a chill sparked down his spine just from the intensity of his resting expression. 

“No, you may go,” Byakuya replied with a brief glance at Renji’s mostly organized desk. “You have done well this week, Lieutenant Abarai,” he added quietly, immediately returning his eyes to his own work. He felt the excited spike in Renji’s spiritual pressure and had to summon an extra dose of discipline to hold back a smile.

“Thank you, Captain. See you in the morning,” Renji said before jumping up from his desk and exiting the office with a visible bounce in his step. 

As soon as the door was closed, Byakuya let his grin slip and shook his head. Even the smallest praise seemed to make Renji’s day, and it was both amusing and endearing. He couldn’t possibly tell  _ Renji  _ that, though. He would keep his composure forever if he had to. There were just too many things at risk, namely his reputation and his position in the Kuchiki family. His pride was much too important to him to sacrifice it for some fleeting infatuation. Surely, time would wear on him, and he would realize how ridiculous this was.

* * *

But time wore on, and Byakuya found it more and more difficult to keep his sharp focus with his Lieutenant in the office. He continually tried to find ways to assign Renji jobs  _ outside  _ the office, delivering paperwork, attending meetings, training with new recruits, anything to get his suffocatingly energetic spiritual pressure away from him. It was becoming contagious, and Byakuya certainly didn’t want his control to slip when anyone was present,  _ especially  _ Renji. If Renji ever felt a lapse in his spiritual pressure, there would have to be an explanation, and Byakuya wasn’t prepared for that. 

A knock on the door of the office caused his eyes to narrow toward it, the interruption disturbing him as much as it always did. It couldn’t be Renji. He had been assigned training until the end of the workday. No, upon further investigation of the spirit energy on the other side, Byakuya recognized Captain Ukitake. 

“Come in, Captain Ukitake,” he called through the door. He was actually surprised the man hadn’t simply walked in, as casual as he was with him. 

“Byakuya! How are you this afternoon?” Jushiro asked. Byakuya fought down an exasperated sigh, and when he looked up, he saw an envelope in the other Captain’s hand.

“You have something for me?” he inquired flatly, not even bothering with the small talk he was offered. 

“Yes, it’s an invitation to the annual Shinigami Women’s Association Banquet. At this point, it’s really a formality to collect RSVPs from the Captains and Lieutenants, since we all make it a point to attend, but they insist every year,” Jushiro reminded him with a light chuckle. 

Byakuya took the envelope when it was offered to him, promptly filing it away. “Thank you,” was the only thing he said in response, and only because he insisted on being polite to his elders. 

“It’ll be good to see you there, Byakuya. Try to be a little more casual this year,” Jushiro insisted. Byakuya gave a short nod at the same time that he ducked his head to return to his paperwork, so he wasn’t even sure that Jushiro had seen. But he truly didn’t care - he just wanted the man out of his office. When nothing else was said, he heard him leaving, breathing a short sigh of relief when he was alone again. 

The Shinigami Women’s Association Banquet. 

One of Byakuya’s most loathed obligations. 

He opened the envelope neatly and glanced at the date. He had one week to dread this horrid event, and hopefully it would pass as smoothly and uneventfully as always. 

* * *

Byakuya checked himself in the mirror for what felt like the hundredth time. He didn’t want to be  _ too  _ early to the banquet, but his mind had convinced him that the faster he got there, the faster he could leave. He knew it was a lie. It was practically rude to leave after less than two hours, and he didn’t know how he was going to stand it. Especially since Renji was going to be there, wearing his Living World clothes that he loved so much. 

The idea of this banquet was to socialize and have fun, neither of which were things Byakuya was interested in. Nonetheless, he attended, if anything to keep up appearances. But, because of the casualness of the event, no one was even admitted if they were wearing their uniform. There were no signifiers of rank allowed, though Byakuya specifically was allowed to wear his kenseikan. Not that anyone was going to try to stop him. That night, he considered leaving them at home, though. With a small grunt of determination, he removed them from his hair and set them back in their section of his armoire, glancing to the mirror again and running his hand through his hair to allow it to fall into its natural place when it wasn’t confined.

“Perhaps  _ looking  _ more approachable will allow me to  _ be  _ more approachable,” he muttered to his reflection. It was overtly obvious to  _ him  _ why he would want such a thing. He had never had a casual conversation with his Lieutenant, and he was determined to do so tonight. 

After hastily flash-stepping to the banquet hall, Byakuya paused around a corner, summoning his noble facade before approaching the large double doors. 

Lieutenant Kotetsu had to look twice to realize who she was opening the door for, and when she realized that Captain Kuchiki had his hair down, absent of all noble accessories, she stuttered out a greeting, “G-Good evening, Captain Kuchiki.” She didn’t dare comment on the absence of his kenseikan, but she couldn’t help but stare as he swept past her. 

“And to you, Lieutenant Kotetsu,” Byakuya replied, keeping his voice low and level. It took a massive amount of effort to smother the smile that attempted to surface when he heard her squealing to her sister, who was manning the opposite door. He didn’t bother trying to decipher their excited whispering, keeping his pace as he entered. 

His eyes wandered the scene, which was set similarly to previous years. High tables were placed at intervals in the room, chairs set along the wall. The idea was to encourage social mingling, but Byakuya tended to find a secluded table and stand next to it for the entirety of the night. The decor was bright, the tables set to catch the light from the recessed lighting in the ceiling. Small floral centerpieces sat on each table, each one representing one of the thirteen divisions. It was fairly accepted that the red camellia was always put in the corner of the room, it being a habit for Byakuya to gravitate to that table. 

So, that was where Byakuya stood, enduring the welcoming speech and the subsequent cheering as drinks were served. It took only a few minutes for Byakuya to locate Renji, who was predictably sharing a raucous conversation with several of the other Lieutenants. 

Halfway across the room, Shuhei nudged Renji with his elbow. Dark brown eyes darted up from his drink. “What the hell, Shuhei?” Renji muttered. Shuhei’s gaze flicked to the corner of the room for only a moment before looking back to Renji.

“You see your Captain?” he muttered, his voice barely audible over the noise surrounding them. 

“Nah, why?” Renji asked, glancing to the same corner Byakuya always stood in. But he almost choked on his own tongue as he was forced to take another look. The regal man was as beautiful as he always was, dressed as casually as he could manage in gray hakama and an indigo kosode. But something extremely obvious was missing. “He’s not wearing his kenseikan,” Renji couldn’t stop his voice before it surfaced. Another nudge and a laugh came from next to him.

“Well, are you actually going to talk to him this year? We all get to hear about your damned nerves every year and you never end up doing it,” Shuhei prompted. 

“Hell no!” Renji replied vehemently, causing the entire group to turn to him. 

“Oh, are we talking about you-know-who again? Come on, Renji, one day you’re going to miss your chance,” Rangiku teased, stepping around Shuhei to wrap an arm around Renji’s waist. “Just take a couple drinks and go say hello,” she insisted, pushing him with her hip before releasing him.

“Oh, yeah, go to my Captain half drunk and try to start a conversation. That sounds like golden advice, Rangiku,” Renji said, rolling his eyes and sipping the drink in his hand. “Though, it might be the only way I’ll ever be able to do it,” he grumbled, tipping his glass back and finishing what remained. He slammed the empty glass down, determination heating his eyes as he looked across the room. 

Byakuya was aptly alarmed when it looked as though Renji was actually preparing to approach him. But, that was what he had wanted, so he maintained his calm, trying  _ not  _ to allow his eyes to wander over his Lieutenant’s muscled arms, which were exposed in the black sleeveless shirt he wore. He quickly took another drink. 

Actually, two drinks. 

He drained his glass, setting it gently on the table next to him just as Renji was leaning his elbow on the edge across the table from him. Still, that meant they were only about two feet apart, and Byakuya glanced out of the corner of his eye when Renji simply stood there fidgeting with a thin leather bracelet with a single charm. When it settled on the surface of the table as he put his hand down, Byakuya realized the small metal trinket had the Sixth Division insignia on it, and it was shaped exactly like Renji’s neglected Lieutenant’s badge. 

“Oh, Captain, you like my bracelet? Rangiku got them made for all the Lieutenants a few years ago, but I never wear mine,” Renji said, realizing the direction of his Captain’s gaze. Byakuya looked up, trying not to appear alarmed by Renji’s observation. 

“If you would wear that in place of your Lieutenant’s badge, I would allow it in uniform,” he teased, though he made a large attempt to keep his tone neutral. Renji was completely floored by the fact that his Captain had just made what sounded like a joke, and he chuckled. The sound caused Byakuya’s heart to leap into his throat. He had never been the  _ cause  _ of Renji’s amusement before, and it almost drew a smile to his lips.

“I don’t think I could get myself to wear it every day. I’d forget at least three times a week. I’m always on time, but otherwise my memory is horrible,” Renji laughed. Byakuya felt his mouth twitch a bit, and he knew he wasn’t going to make it the rest of this conversation without smiling. But there were far too many people present. So, he took two drinks from a tray as a server passed, handing one to Renji. “Umm, thanks, Captain,” Renji muttered, his brow furrowed with unhidden confusion.

“Come with me, Renji,” Byakuya said, the command heavy in his voice. 

“Yes, sir,” Renji replied. As he followed Byakuya around the perimeter of the room to a side door, his mind was swimming with what in the Soul Society was going on. He slipped through the door into an empty hallway, jogging to catch up with Byakuya after he closed it behind him. “Captain--”

“Don’t,” Byakuya interrupted. Renji quickly snapped his mouth shut, sipping the drink in his hand. He stayed on Byakuya’s heels until he ducked into a room. It seemed to be a sitting room of sorts with only two couches and a table in between them. He stopped dead in his tracks in the doorway, even as Byakuya proceeded to sit on the far side of the couch and place his drink on the table. 

“What’s going on, sir?” he asked, his voice practically shaking with apprehension. It wasn’t that he didn’t  _ want  _ to be alone with the gorgeous man, but he certainly didn’t know what the implication was here.

“I’d like to talk to you, but not out there. There are far too many people in that room,” Byakuya explained. “Sit,” he added when Renji showed no intention of actually fully entering the room. Renji scrambled to close the door, stopping short just before it was fully closed.

“You… want the door closed, Captain?” he asked.

“Yes, thank you,” Byakuya replied. A chill ran down his spine at his Captain’s tone. It had… softened, just in a matter of seconds. He unintentionally slammed the door the rest of the way closed, whipping around to see if his stoic superior’s face matched his voice. Much to his surprise, it  _ did _ . His jaw was relaxed, and his stare wasn’t quite so sharp as he watched Renji sit on the opposite end of the couch. 

“So, uh, what did you want to talk about?” Renji asked, folding his hands together on his glass. Byakuya took several minutes to gather his thoughts, reaching to retrieve his drink and sipping it in the silence. With a glance up at Renji, he knew he was getting uncomfortable - sitting on the edge of the couch and staring at his drink, moving his thumb up and down the smooth glass, as tense as he always was when there was silence in the office - so he had to speak soon. Steeling his determination with the aid of the pleasant buzz from the alcohol, he finally decided what exactly to say. 

“You have been my Lieutenant for several years. Throughout that time, I have realized just how dedicated to the Sixth Division you are. You do your work well, your combat skills are more than adequate, and I feel that… you are loyal to me as your Captain,” Byakuya admitted. Renji’s eyes shot up to him again, and he openly gawked at the fact that Byakuya was actually expressing emotion. He was practically  _ smiling _ . 

“I, um… thank you, sir. You’ve never really, uh, complimented me like that,” Renji stuttered. Byakuya took another drink, and finally he let the facade drop. 

“I have to be honest with you, Renji. Being vulnerable is very difficult for me,” he confessed. Renji’s eyes widened when he took in the lax expression Byakuya wore. All the tension had left his face, and he actually seemed a bit… nervous. When steel gray eyes met his dark brown, he inhaled sharply. His Captain was gorgeous. No one in any world could contest that. But with his silky raven hair framing his face, his eyes impossibly soft as he looked at him, there was no question - Renji was absolutely in love with him.

He had waited  _ years  _ to see Byakuya smile, and though this wasn’t exactly the most overt example of a smile, it was  _ something _ . Byakuya was right. Renji was loyal to him, but not only as his Lieutenant. He was loyal to him because he cared deeply for his well-being. He would do anything for him, and not from a perspective of authority, but actual devotion and attraction. 

Because he was attracted to Byakuya.

There was no doubt about that.

“You don’t have to worry about being vulnerable in front of me, Captain. As messed up as I am, I don’t really have room to think any less of you,” Renji replied, trying to keep his tone light. But his face fell when Byakuya sipped his drink and returned his stern glare to him. 

“You aren’t ‘messed up,’ Renji. Your past has shaped you into who you are, and you have overcome  _ every  _ obstacle in your path. You graduated at the top of your class in the Academy, you haven’t allowed your lack of previous education to get in your way, and you  _ earn  _ everything you receive,” Byakuya told him. He was actually quite surprised when pink traced Renji’s cheeks.

Renji had no idea Byakuya thought so highly of him. In fact, he had no idea his Captain had much of a positive opinion of him at all. Actually, he had only ever heard rather demeaning things - neutral things at best - from his superior. 

“Captain, since we’re alone, and you said you wanted to talk, can I ask you an honest question?” he requested. Byakuya feared the content of such a thing. Admittedly, he had treated Renji rather poorly, and surely that hadn’t gone unnoticed for so long. He hoped his attitude hadn’t ruined his chance of at least being the other’s friend, as much as he would love to take their relationship several steps further. 

“Of course,” he allowed, hoping he was grossly misreading the situation.

“If you think all that about me, why have you never said so before?” Renji asked a bit defensively. Byakuya tensed at the question. Of course, Renji would want to know where this sudden change of heart came from. He took another sip of his drink before answering. He could use all the help he could get to be this honest.

“I have thought those things about you for several years, but it simply isn’t proper for me to voice such things. It will never matter what I think of you, Renji, because my pride and honor as the head of the Kuchiki clan and as a Captain come first, before any personal relationships I may have. I never wanted to mislead you with my words. But it has become more difficult to even be around you recently. I wanted to be alone with you tonight because I knew if there were prying eyes and ears, I would have never been able to say any of this,” Byakuya admitted. 

Renji’s heart felt like it dropped into his stomach at the explanation. So what was all of this for? Just to build him up a bit so he could go back to work the next week and act like it didn’t happen? That was certainly how his Captain was making it sound. It didn’t matter what he thought of him. Pride would always come first. 

“Umm, thanks, Captain. I guess, now I know. It’s good. I’m glad you don’t think I’m an idiot,” Renji muttered, back to staring at the amber liquid in his glass. He drained the last of it before placing it on the table before him. He couldn’t even get himself to look up to the steel gray eyes he so adored. His Captain may never know.... 

… how much he really loved him.

“I’ll go now. I think… I think we’ve talked enough. Wouldn’t want to get caught and damage your reputation,” Renji said quietly. 

As he stood, Byakuya followed with his eyes. Renji had completely misunderstood. He wasn’t telling him that to  _ disappoint  _ him. He had to stop him. He had to tell him the  _ whole  _ truth. So, Byakuya hastily stood from the couch, catching Renji with his hand flattened on the wall, his arm blocking his way to the door. The quick decision to stand actually made him a bit lightheaded, and he had to brace himself on the wall for a moment for the feeling to pass. He would never admit it, but he was a bit of a lightweight when it came to alcohol consumption. 

“You alright, Captain?” Renji asked, hesitating to reach out to him even though he swore he looked like he might fall over. 

“I’m fine. But you’re not leaving this room until I say so,” Byakuya demanded, his voice not having the strength he intended. He took a deep breath through his nose before looking up to Renji. 

“Captain, are you… drunk?” Renji asked, far too easily recognizing the slight glaze over those striking gray eyes. 

“That is none of your business. I still have things to talk about with you,” Byakuya insisted. Renji fought down a chuckle at just how suddenly it seemed the alcohol had hit Byakuya. 

“I think you’ve made your point, really. In the state you’re in, I wouldn’t want you to say anything you don’t mean anyway,” Renji said with a smile. 

Liquid steel eyes narrowed, though Byakuya was having a hard time gathering his thoughts. Perhaps Renji was right. 

But  _ no _ . 

He  _ had  _ to know that he was wrong. That Byakuya really did care for him. So, since his words didn’t seem to want to cooperate, he brought his other hand to the wall on Renji’s other side, effectively blocking him from moving in either direction. 

“Captain, what are you--” but Renji was cut off by lips coming in contact with his. His eyes widened and his entire body stiffened at the sensation. He had to actually look - really study what was happening - before his mind truly believed it. Byakuya Kuchiki was kissing him. He melted into the contact after several moments of convincing himself he wasn’t dreaming, but he kept his hands at his sides, as much as he  _ wanted  _ to actually feel the noble’s gorgeous body. 

“Renji, if at any time you want me to stop, tell me. Otherwise, I am doing as I wish with you,” Byakuya whispered when he pulled away. Renji nodded a bit shakily, and Byakuya connected their lips again, this time sweeping his tongue into Renji’s mouth, the Lieutenant giving into the action willingly. He tasted of the alcohol he had been drinking, but Byakuya knew he wasn’t any better off. Slowly, he pressed his body against Renji’s, and as soon as they were as flush against one another as possible with their mouths still connected, Renji moaned into Byakuya’s mouth.

Renji felt like his entire body caught fire at the feeling of his Captain’s body against his. It was better than he ever could have imagined, and the sensation had him quickly becoming aroused. He wanted to push Byakuya back to avoid the embarrassment of him actually feeling his reaction, but his eyes widened when he felt the other’s body reacting similarly. He didn’t  _ want  _ to ruin this, but he had to know exactly where this was going, so he turned his head, the only way to separate his mouth from Byakuya’s while being pinned against the wall.

“C-Captain, I’d like to know… I don’t know where you really plan to take this,” he said quietly, his voice shaking a bit.

Byakuya brought a hand up to Renji’s cheek, running his thumb over the smooth skin as an attempt to calm him. He never would have predicted that the normally loud, confident man would be so nervous of his advances. “I plan to take you over to that couch and, if you would be willing, I am going to take this all the way. I was not going to initiate such a thing without your approval. You can trust me, Renji. I believe you already do,” Byakuya replied, his voice low with lust and somewhat slurred with intoxication. 

Renji couldn’t help but lean into Byakuya’s delicate hand on his cheek, closing his eyes to revel in the feeling of being touched by this man. But his  _ words _ , how lustful his voice was, caused a barely audible whimper to come up from his throat. “Yes, Captain, I trust you. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want that. Just… are you sure?” he asked. He knew his Captain was difficult to dissuade once he decided to do something, but the alcohol on his breath was worrisome. 

“I told you, I’ve been holding back these thoughts for  _ years _ , and I don’t want to waste a single moment we have alone. I want you to call me Byakuya tonight. I need to hear my name come from your mouth,” Byakuya replied. 

Renji was completely stunned by the overt desperation in Byakuya’s voice. It was absolutely sexy, and the fact that he was  _ telling  _ him to discard his rank only affirmed how serious he was about this. “Alright, Byakuya,” Renji murmured. Just hearing himself say the man’s name caused a new wave of pleasure to take over his body, and it seemed to have an effect on his Captain as well.

Byakuya pressed only more firmly into Renji’s body against the wall, moving his hand from Renji’s cheek to the back of his neck, only needing to tilt his head down slightly to kiss the tattoo on his neck. He felt Renji shudder a bit under his touch and smiled into his skin. It was utterly satisfying to see that Renji obviously felt the same way for him, if his reactions were any indication. “Such admiration in your voice,” he whispered, his breath causing chills to erupt over Renji’s flesh. 

Renji held back a groan at the softness of Byakuya’s touch and the gentleness of his voice. Suddenly, Byakuya’s hands were wandering down his bare arms, taking both of his hands in his when he reached them. He twined their fingers together, simply standing leaned into him, pressing him into the wall with his weight. “Byakuya… I have to admit, I’ve waited a long time for this, too, but I never thought… never thought I would be right for someone like you,” Renji confessed, his voice traced with a sensual moan. 

“You never think enough of yourself, Renji,” Byakuya replied. He stepped away, keeping their hands connected as he led Renji to the couch. Before sitting down, he pulled his hands out of Renji’s grasp only to place them on his waist, slowly taking the hem of his shirt and pushing it up to reveal chiseled abs accented by jagged tattoos. “After I remove your clothing, you may remove mine,” he whispered, causing a legitimate whine to surface from the man in front of him. Byakuya smiled before finishing the task of pulling Renji’s shirt over his head, tossing it to the side and not being able to stop himself from tracing his fingertips along the tribal patterns on the well-muscled body before him. 

Renji watched as reverent hands moved along his body, absolutely astounded by how admiring Byakuya was as his slightly glazed eyes followed the path of his hands, filled with genuine fondness and a fair bit of drunkenness. His breath hitched, though, when those lithe hands grasped the button of his jeans, not hesitating for even a moment before deftly unbuttoning and unzipping, pulling both his pants and his boxers down in one fluid motion. “Take your socks off, Renji, and finish taking off your pants,” he instructed.

The command in his voice had Renji obeying without even thinking, shakily stepping out of his pants and pulling off his socks, tossing them to join the growing pile of clothing. It was suddenly very clear to him that he was standing completely nude in front of his Captain, and he watched closely for his reaction, though he still doubted the validity of it in his somewhat inebriated state. But the unadulterated lust in those steel gray eyes as they wandered his form was enough to have him going back to him, placing his hands gently on Byakuya’s waist, trembling with the anticipation of actually seeing the body he had only imagined before. 

“Renji, your body is extravagant,” Byakuya murmured, still not able to keep his eyes from investigating every detail. Every line, every chiseled muscle, every tantalizing tattoo, all on display for his pleasure.

Renji tightened his hold on Byakuya’s waist at the comment. He couldn’t believe such things were coming out of the noble’s mouth. But his approval only drove him to untuck Byakuya’s kosode, his hands still shaking. He took a deep, shuddering breath before parting the fabric, pushing it off of his slim frame. The sight of smooth, porcelain skin almost brought tears to his eyes, but he pushed back what felt like a ridiculous response and ran his hands down from slim shoulders, over Byakuya’s chest to his toned waist. “You’re  _ perfect _ , Byakuya. So perfect,” he breathed. Not wanting to keep him waiting, he loosened the hakama about his waist and allowed the loose garment to fall, a whimper leaving his lips when he fully took in the image of Byakuya’s body. 

Byakuya was stunned by Renji’s reaction to seeing him fully exposed, but he knew they couldn’t take too much time. Not here. Someone was bound to notice they were both missing from the banquet. So, he pressed his hands to Renji’s chest, gently coaxing him onto his back on the couch and settling on his knees between Renji’s parted legs. “Listen to me closely, Renji,” he said, his deep voice drawing his Lieutenant’s attention immediately. 

“I don’t want to leave a mess here, and I want to be sure that you are aware and approve of every part of what is about to happen. You are going to prepare my fingers with your mouth, and I will prepare you before taking you. When we both finish, I will clean you with my mouth so  _ don’t  _ move until I do so. We will leave not a trace of ourselves here, and for the sake of our respective privacies, you will not speak a word of this to anyone,” Byakuya explained. 

Renji nodded, becoming impossibly more aroused just hearing the normally refined man saying such ridiculously lewd things so openly. “Th-That sounds good, Cap-- I mean, Byakuya. Not a word, I promise,” Renji stuttered. 

“Good,” Byakuya replied, his stern eyes softening again as he looked over Renji’s body before bringing his hand to Renji’s lips, groaning as two fingers were immediately accepted. Renji’s hand held his in place as he lavished the delicate fingers with attention, swirling his tongue around them and sucking lightly. As lost in bliss as he truly wanted to be with the action, Byakuya’s paranoia took hold again, and he slowly reclaimed his hand. “Are you ready, Renji?” he asked gently.

A spark shot down Renji’s spine at the question, and the confidence in Byakuya’s eyes was enthralling. “Yes, please, Byakuya. So gorgeous, I just can’t believe it,” he couldn’t stop the words from spilling out, and the smile he was rewarded with made warmth fill his core. Feeling, seeing,  _ tasting  _ that flawless skin was more than he could have ever imagined. Everything about this was surreal, and he hoped this dream never ended. When a finger prodded at his entrance, tracing it for a moment before slipping inside, he bit his lip to keep from crying out at the immense pleasure that washed over him. He reached for whatever part of Byakuya he could find, and Byakuya offered his free arm, allowing Renji to brace himself with a strong grip on his forearm.

Byakuya quickly stretched as much as he could with one finger before inserting another, amazed at how effortlessly Renji’s body was accepting him. This clearly wasn’t his first time. He thoroughly prepared him as quickly as he could, though, not wishing to hurt him at all. He watched Renji’s face for signs of distress, but based on the sensual sounds coming from his mouth, seemingly without his consent, he was definitely not in pain. He leaned down over Renji’s body, gently taking his lips in a kiss to keep him from biting his bottom lip so harshly.

The combined sensations of Byakuya’s fingers stretching him and his smooth lips against his almost sent Renji over the edge. But he held back the tension, wanting desperately to wait until the perfect man above him was buried deep inside. He moaned heavily into Byakuya’s mouth just at the thought, and Byakuya took advantage of his parted lips, slipping his tongue inside and touching every corner of his mouth. 

In Renji’s distraction, Byakuya slid his fingers out and positioned his already achingly hard cock at Renji’s entrance, immediately pressing in just a bit until the tip was enveloped in tight heat. He groaned against the feeling of his climax quickly approaching. “Ah, Renji, you’re so tight,” he growled when he broke away from Renji’s mouth, fighting with himself at the desire to thrust deep in one motion. 

Byakuya’s words had Renji creeping only closer to the edge, and the feeling of his hard length inside him was almost too much. “I’m so close - too close, Byakuya. You feel so good,” he whimpered. 

Renji’s desperate tone and the admission that his release was approaching encouraged Byakuya to begin a slow, careful rhythm, sinking a bit deeper with each thrust. Renji was all but writhing in pleasure underneath him, and he braced his hands on Renji’s shoulders, trying and failing to keep him still as he claimed him. Finally, after a painstakingly cautious process, he was fully sheathed in that wondrously constricting warmth, and the sensation almost drove him over the edge. 

“One more time and I’ll come, Byakuya. I’m not going to last much longer. You feel so damn good inside me,” Renji warned him, his voice strained with the tension of holding back. 

Byakuya knew he was just as unstable, holding on by a thread, so he pulled out a bit only to immediately bury himself back inside, as deeply as he could possibly reach. Renji began to cry out at the feeling of his climax crashing into him so heavily, but Byakuya instantly claimed his mouth in a deep kiss, the sounds spilling from Renji’s throat muffled at the very least. At the same time, the muscles around his cock clenched, sending Byakuya into his own release, his own shockwaves all but synchronized with the pulsing of the heat surrounding him. It took a moment for him to come down from the high, but his insistently acute mind reminded him that they were in a sitting room attached to the banquet hall, so he took only a few seconds to be sure that Renji’s body had calmed before pulling out and rather hastily moving down to begin cleaning him.

Renji was still trying to collect his breath when Byakuya abandoned their kiss to shift down and begin hurriedly lapping the release from his stomach. He couldn’t help but think that the sight was absolutely sexy, but Byakuya’s quick motions and lack of thoroughness took away from it a bit. Far too soon, the noble had finished his task and was standing from the couch, already half dressed again before Renji found and fully focused on him. 

“Byakuya, what’s the rush?” Renji asked, his voice still strained. Byakuya turned to him just as he finished with the tie on his pants, his eyes stern. The sudden change forced ice through Renji’s veins, and he almost felt as though his hands went numb with the feeling.

“We are in a banquet hall, Renji. We’ve been gone far too long. I am going home, and if anyone asks, we did nothing but talk. Not a word otherwise, understand?” Byakuya commanded. The alcohol was finally exiting his bloodstream, and he was suddenly very much aware of what he had just done. Admittedly, he was having a hard time processing it, and he didn’t have time now to discuss it.

“Yeah, of course. I get it,” Renji replied, his tone dropping a bit. As soon as Byakuya finished dressing, he left without even a backward glance, and Renji had never felt so…

… alone.

He had hardly gotten to touch him. Barely had a chance to really take in what was happening. It was all so sudden, and passed much too quickly. Renji brought his arm up to rest it over his forehead, staring blankly at the ceiling. Without warning, the tears from before cropped up again, falling unheedingly from his eyes. But this wasn’t overwhelming relief and pleasure. Far from it.

This was anguish. 


	2. Encroaching Darkness

The next day, Renji was determined to speak to Byakuya about what had happened. Surely, he was just rushed due to circumstance, not because of a genuine regret for what happened. So, he arrived at the office a full hour early, just to be sure they were alone. He couldn’t help but smile when he entered, remembering how amazing it had felt to be connected so thoroughly to his gorgeous Captain.

“Hey, Captain, how’s it going?” he greeted him casually, as he always did. Byakuya didn’t even look up, though. There wasn’t a single twitch in his cold expression as he placed his flowing signature on another piece of paperwork. 

“Lieutenant, you have an assignment today. The Shinigami Women’s Association has requested that all of the Lieutenants help with clean-up from last night’s banquet,” Byakuya said plainly. There was no inflection. No emotion. Just his usual flat, deep voice giving orders.

“Captain, I still have an hour before the workday really starts, and I thought we could ta--”

“Now, Lieutenant,” Byakuya commanded, looking up from the paper before him. 

At the ice in his gaze, Renji’s heart skipped and clenched painfully in his chest. Had it been a dream? Surely not. He was literally still  _ feeling  _ it. He tried not to let his expression drop. It was ridiculous to think Byakuya would talk about something like this at work anyway, even if no one else seemed to be around. He knew there could be others nearby, possibly within earshot. 

“Alright, Captain, maybe later, then,” he said, his tone vastly betraying his desire to sound unaffected. With no acknowledgement from his superior, he turned to exit the office.

Byakuya let out a sigh. He was right. Renji’s spiritual pressure reeked of his mood, and he was more than upset. But Byakuya knew there was nothing he could say to make it any better. The truth was harsh, and he certainly didn’t want to make Renji feel any worse. The previous night had been a mistake. Not that he didn’t  _ want  _ Renji in that way, but expressing such a thing in such a blatant and disrespectful way while  _ drunk  _ was certainly not what he had in mind. But how was he supposed to tell Renji that? Would he even believe him if he tried?

After what he had done, he didn’t feel that he deserved any amount of sympathy or acceptance from his Lieutenant. He was honestly horrid at processing and expressing emotion, which was made abundantly clear last night. What he  _ deserved  _ was to watch Renji forget and move on. After such a show of disregard for Renji’s feelings, he deserved to have his heart torn apart as Renji came to hate him even more than he already did. 

* * *

It was late that night, and Renji still couldn’t seem to sleep. His Captain had been gone from the office by the time he had finished his task, so there had been no chance to clear the air between them. He figured that was by design, though. Byakuya clearly didn’t want to talk to him at all. The previous night had been a mistake. There was no way someone like Byakuya - gorgeous, commanding, and regal - could want someone like Renji.

_ Master, I wish you’d stop thinking like that,  _ a voice surfaced from his mind. Renji shook his head, willing away his zanpakuto spirit’s voice. 

“Leave me alone, Zabimaru,” he muttered, tilting his head back to rest it on the wall behind him. He was sitting on his bed, the darkness of his quarters seeming to inundate his heart. 

_ I think he meant what he said, Master,  _ Zabimaru insisted. Renji huffed and brought his hands to hold his loose hair back from his face as he fought back tears. 

“He couldn’t have. He was  _ drunk _ ,” he pointed out. He heard a sigh from the voice in his inner world, and he knew Zabimaru was giving up for now. They never did win the argument, but they tried. This time, though, there was no redeeming Renji’s mood. No amount of reassurance from someone who lived to serve him would make him feel differently about himself. Of course his  _ zanpakuto  _ saw the best in him.

Byakuya had every reason to regret their encounter. His pride. His reputation. The fact that he likely had only been influenced by the alcohol. Renji was Rukon garbage in Byakuya’s mind, and he would never be anything more. He figured he must have done something wrong, said something wrong,  _ something  _ to make Byakuya all but ignore and avoid him. 

It had to be him.

Byakuya was perfect.

Renji glanced out at the moon, the only light piercing the otherwise black night. As he replayed the previous night in his mind, he counted every time he was wrong. Every time that justified Byakuya’s response. For the first time since he could remember, tears flowed down his cheeks, leading him into an episode of legitimate sobs that shook his entire body. He wrapped his arms around his stomach to try to keep himself under control, but they wouldn’t stop. 

So, he slid down to his bed and surrendered to the torrent of emotion, curling his knees into his chest. His throat was tight trying to keep the whimpering from actually surfacing, but nothing helped. He lay there, remembering every single moment of pure ecstasy with Byakuya and hating that the memory left a bad taste in his mouth. 

* * *

Byakuya knew Renji was trying to corner him, or at least get him to  _ acknowledge  _ what had happened. But Byakuya hadn’t even come to terms with it himself, even a week later. He sat in the office that day, a bit regretful that he had kept his Lieutenant  _ out  _ of the office all week. But he didn’t know what he was supposed to say. Admit that he had been wrong? But  _ how _ ? Renji deserved more than a half-baked apology.

He had used something as feral as  _ sex  _ to express his emotions. Completely dishonorable.

_ Cowardly. _

To just  _ apologize  _ for something like that completely downplayed the severity of what he had done. He had to make it up to Renji somehow, but there was no way he was doing so in the same context. There would have to be no sexual implications, not a single thing that would make Renji believe he would take advantage of him again. In the meantime, he remained quiet, not leading Renji on at all and not offering him what would have likely felt like empty words. Obviously his words wouldn’t suffice. 

When the workday ended, he hastily left the office, even retreating a few minutes early to ensure that Renji wouldn’t catch him on the way out. He flash-stepped his way to the manor, giving a servant a quick and sharp order to make tea and bring it to his room. 

Byakuya took his time taking off every accessory, sighing as each one symbolized something that separated him from Renji.

His kenseikan - a symbol of nobility that Renji could never attain.

His scarf - a symbol of wealth that Renji would always see as excessive.

His haori - a symbol of his rank, which Renji would likely never equal.

His heart was heavy as he closed his mirrored armoire, though he was free of the extra weight of his obligations. Usually, the feel of his hair falling loose around his face and his hands and neck free of his tekko and scarf brought a bit of lightness to his evenings, but tonight… Tonight he was weighed down by the obvious despair he was bringing his Lieutenant. 

A servant swept through the room just long enough to place a tea tray on the table just outside the doors leading to the gardens, knowing that was where he usually took his tea. He avoided the man’s eyes, remaining standing in front of his armoire with his hands rested on the gold-leafed handles. When the servant exited the room, he brought his eyes to his reflection.

What he saw made his heart stop for a moment. He wasn’t all that different from Renji, under all the noble trinkets and rank signifiers. Dressed plainly, in only his shihakusho, perhaps they could be equals. Was that truly the only difference? Was it only a matter of image? 

_ Master I cannot stand for you to torment yourself this way,  _ Senbonzakura spoke from his inner world. Their connection was strong - so strong that the spirit manifested next to the table outside, looking back to his master expectantly from under his mask. Byakuya looked away from the mirror before him, glaring a bit in his zanpakuto’s direction. 

“What would you have me do?” he demanded. Senbonzakura gestured toward the place next to him silently, but Byakuya stood his ground, awaiting a response. 

_ Your tea will get cold, Master. Come sit, and I will tell you what I would have you do,  _ the samurai requested softly. Byakuya maintained his stoic expression as he obeyed, though he tried to tell himself he only did it because he didn’t want the tea chilling in the evening air. He lowered himself to the bamboo deck on his knees, taking the already poured and prepared cup of tea in between his hands and lightly blowing across the surface of the liquid.

“Are you going to speak or are you not?” he prompted, his voice low and commanding. Senbonzakura took a deep breath, taking in his master’s condition. Byakuya had been tearing himself apart for a week, and he couldn’t stand to watch anymore.

_ You must speak to Renji. I know, it will be difficult for you, but you are suffering, as is he. You feel his spiritual pressure even when you aren’t near him, and you know he needs intervention. Do not allow this to go too far,  _ Senbonzakura advised. Byakuya shook his head, taking a sip of his tea before placing the cup back down on the table.

“Nothing I could say to him would redeem the situation,” he claimed stubbornly. Senbonzakura sighed, turning his gaze to the vast gardens before them. 

_ I believe you underestimate how much he takes to heart everything you tell him,  _ he muttered. Byakuya hummed thoughtfully, not entirely believing what he heard. Renji was constantly inattentive to him. At least, he thought he was. Perhaps he was misreading him. Whatever the case was, this wasn’t a job-related order. This was toying with both of their emotions. Whatever he said, he had to be absolutely certain it was the  _ right  _ thing to say. He had made that mistake once - going in blind - and he wasn’t going to do it again.

He never wanted to hurt Renji like that again.

* * *

Renji was gradually sinking deeper into a seemingly irreparable depression. All he thought about was that night - how he had felt, how Byakuya had  _ looked,  _ what Byakuya had  _ said _ . His mind was beginning to convince him that it was all a dream. With how his Captain was avoiding him now, it had to have been. He had hardly seen him since then, and that was three weeks ago. Three weeks of sleepless nights. 

He was  _ tired. _

Tired of being ignored and rejected.

He couldn’t even talk to him without going to the Kuchiki manor himself and demanding that he see him. But, of course, he couldn’t do that. He had even talked to Rukia, but she didn’t seem to think anything was wrong with Byakuya. He was the same around her as he always was. That was no surprise. He had reverted back to the stoic, unfeeling man he had always been.

Renji had  _ one  _ opportunity to see past the mask, and he had ruined it. He was  _ nothing _ , and no one could tell him otherwise. If he was worth the attention, Byakuya wouldn’t be avoiding him. What was it, then? Why had he even bothered to open up? 

Just to tell him he didn’t stand a chance?

Because he already knew that. He didn’t need Byakuya to spill these secret feelings and use his body to tell him that. Perhaps Byakuya  _ did  _ care about him, somewhere deep in his heart. But it was too deep for Renji to reach. Renji would have to dive through noble privilege, rank discrepancies, and social status to reach even a glimpse of Byakuya’s true self. And every time, he was sure he would fail. Just like that night. Three weeks was a long time in your own head, and Renji was beginning to feel like he was drowning in it. 

Zabimaru had done what they could to lift him out, but they had done all they were able. There were only so many times he could hear the same empty reassurances before he was numbed to them. His inner world was barren; he could honestly barely hear his zanpakuto anymore. Their attempts to reach him were becoming whispers amongst the pain. 

Dawn was beginning to break. Another reminder that time still passed despite Renji’s suffering. He had only maintained his appearance as an attempt to hide what he was feeling, but he knew his eyes were dull and dark circles like bruises were under them from lack of sleep. Some had tried to question him, but most left him alone. The one man he  _ wanted  _ to notice him hadn’t even looked at him. The light on the horizon was blinding, and Renji averted his eyes from the window, his gaze catching on his zanpakuto.

There was an easy solution. One that would bring no one pain, but ease his suffering. He shook his head and pulled his knees up to his chest, resting his chin on them as he glanced back outside. But what else was he going to do? Waste away pining after a man who acted like he didn’t exist? His heart skipped, and then proceeded to pound painfully beneath his ribs. He didn’t know if he could really go through with it, but it was the only way. 

The only way out of this. 

Byakuya wouldn’t miss him, so life wasn’t really worth living anyway.

So, Renji rose from the bed, his knees a bit weak but carried forward by the adrenaline pumping through his veins. He picked up his zanpakuto, drawing it and dropping the sheath to the floor with a loud thud. Tears clouded his vision as he fell to his knees, the blade of his sword clashing with the floor, causing a shock to tremble under his hand. His grip was weak as emotion overtook him, but he forced himself to keep a hold on the hilt and lift the blade up to his field of vision.

His zanpakuto was powerful, fearsome, and audacious. Zabimaru deserved a better master. One that wouldn’t allow these things to consume him. One that would scoff at arrogant nobles who threw away others’ emotions. One who was just  _ stronger  _ than Renji was in this moment. It was the darkest moment of his life, and his thoughts came up from the pit where his heart once was, convincing him that this was right. 

He caught sight of his own reflection in the flawless blade in front of him, and he hated himself. He  _ hated  _ what he had become. And there was only one way to end the suffering. He wrapped both hands around the hilt of his zanpakuto and lined the fatal point of the blade up with his own throat. The sword trembled in his grip, and tears flowed unheeding down his cheeks. His arms were so tense they burned, but he held his ground. This was for the best. He was the only one suffering. 

No one else cared.

_ Especially  _ not Byakuya.

* * *

Byakuya had just finished dressing in his shihakusho, adjusting the layers before shrugging into his captain’s haori. He didn’t even have time to weave his hair into his kenseikan before an alarming spike in spiritual pressure reached his senses. He hadn’t felt it often, and the sensation of it wasn’t quite the same as usual, but he definitely knew who it belonged to.

It was Zabimaru.

_ Master, hurry! That is a call of distress! Renji is in trouble!  _ Senbonzakura insisted, his voice ringing out in Byakuya’s mind before he even had a chance to inquire about the odd energy signature. He didn’t even hesitate before securing his zanpakuto to his waist and darting out through the gardens, flash-stepping faster than he ever had under normal circumstances toward Renji’s weak spiritual pressure.

Had he truly been so blind? When did Renji’s signature drop like that? It was hardly readable. But he could feel it, so he followed it to the Lieutenant’s quarters, not even bothering to knock before yanking the door open. 

His breath hitched and his heart stopped when he truly took in what he was seeing. Renji was on his knees in the middle of his room, Zabimaru in his hands, poised to plunge the blade deep into his own neck. 

There was no time for words. All Byakuya had the mind to do was run to Renji’s side, dropping to his knees and knocking the sword from his hands. He grimaced a bit as the blade bit into his flesh, blood immediately pouring from a small wound on his palm. That was most certainly not his concern, though. His concern was  _ Renji _ . Had he fallen so far to think this was truly the answer? He shifted to sit on his knees in front of him, taking his shoulders in his hands and taking in his condition.

His eyes were bloodshot and swollen, sleeplessness obvious in the dark splotches staining the usually flawless skin under his eyes. He was trembling under his touch, and harsh sobs were tearing up from his throat.

“Renji,” Byakuya said gently. But his voice seemed to have no effect, and it seemed that Renji couldn’t focus past the tears to really believe he was there. It didn’t matter, though. Byakuya wasn’t leaving this time. Not like this. He pulled Renji to him, letting him collapse into his arms and allow the emotion to take him. Even in this condition, at least he was  _ alive _ . Byakuya shuddered when he found Zabimaru lying on the floor not far from them, and he briefly let go of Renji with one hand to take the hilt and slide it further away. Renji didn’t need to see it - didn’t need to be haunted by the reminder of what had almost happened. 

It was several tense minutes, the only sound being Renji’s heart-wrenching sobs that had Byakuya holding back tears himself.  _ He  _ had done this. His avoidance and pure stubbornness had put Renji in this state. So low that he thought ending his own life would benefit him. Finally, Renji’s body calmed, and Byakuya pressed him back to look at him again. 

“Renji, I’m  _ so  _ sorry,” Byakuya whispered. But Renji was distracted by the red streaks on Byakuya’s hand, catching the contrast of red on flawless porcelain skin in the corner of his eye. 

“You’re bleeding,” he murmured, shifting to try to get a better look at Byakuya’s hand on his shoulder. Byakuya attempted to smile and shook his head.

“Don’t--”

“You’re  _ bleeding,  _ Captain. Was that… did I do that?” Renji demanded, his voice gaining volume but still strained and hoarse from crying. 

“No, I’m fine. It happened when I knocked Zabimaru from your hands. It wasn’t--”

“Let me see it. Is it bad?” Renji insisted, reaching up to take Byakuya’s hand. But Byakuya snatched both hands off of Renji’s shoulders and grabbed the bottom hem of his haori from where it rested on the floor, tearing off a long strip and wrapping the minor cut.

“There, it’s fine. Stop worrying about  _ me _ ,” Byakuya insisted. Renji only stared at the now tattered edge of Byakuya’s haori, his dark eyes eventually wandering up to meet steel gray that was laced with tears. 

“You… You tore your captain’s haori,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. Byakuya smiled and returned his hands to Renji’s shoulders. 

“I would burn it if it meant relieving your pain. I would break my kenseikan. I would do whatever it took to not see you  _ ever  _ look like this again. I’m so sorry, Renji,” he repeated. Renji couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Byakuya actually did  _ care  _ about him. At this point, nothing else really mattered. Renji fell into Byakuya’s welcoming arms, reveling in the peace of  _ finally  _ feeling him hold him. He had wanted this -  _ needed  _ this - for three weeks. 

Byakuya wrapped his arms tightly around Renji’s shoulders, one hand gently running through loose crimson hair as he spoke, his voice gentler than even he thought possible. “I’m so sorry, Renji. I could say it for the rest of my life and it would never be enough. I’m here now, and I hope you’ll forgive me for my ignorance. I never wanted you to feel abandoned. I was acting out of my own stubbornness, thinking that you would be better off without the chore of dealing with someone so poorly-versed in expressing emotion. I’m so sorry I made you suffer, Renji,” he said, pouring reassurances over the man that had sunk into his chest, sobbing into his shihakusho. 

Byakuya took a moment to gather his thoughts, still unsure whether his words would properly express the depth of his regret. He shifted his hand from stroking Renji’s hair to his cheek, lifting his face to look up to him. “It’s alright. I’m here. Put your arms around me if you wish,” he offered. Only more tears poured from Renji’s eyes at the words, and he moved to wrap a strong grip around Byakuya’s waist, resting his head on his shoulder. “Actually,” Byakuya said suddenly. He began to move, and Renji tightened his arms around him. “I’m not leaving. I want to take you to the bed,” he explained. Renji nodded, but struggled to find the strength to move. Byakuya smiled at him, shifting to stand with Renji’s arms still around his waist. Though Renji was taller, Byakuya successfully supported him with an arm around him, walking him over to the bed and sitting him down on the edge of it. 

“What are you doing, Captain?” Renji asked. Byakuya shifted to settle against the pillow, parting his legs and pulling Renji down to him, allowing him to rest his head on his chest. “I, um, are you sure this is okay?” Renji inquired. Byakuya chuckled, and Renji swore his heart stopped at the sound. He had never heard Byakuya laugh before.

“Yes, Renji. I don’t plan on leaving you any time soon, and I want us both to be comfortable. I want you to  _ believe  _ I won’t leave you this time. Relax, Renji. It’s alright,” Byakuya assured him. Renji did as he was told, his arms still around Byakuya’s waist as he lay there, listening to the other man’s heart under his ear. He still couldn’t stop the tears. Honestly, he couldn’t really wrap his mind around the fact that Byakuya was  _ there _ , holding him like this. But when his quiet crying again turned to violent sobs, his Captain only tightened his arms around him, one hand wandering to his face, tracing his jawline, moving up to run a light touch over the tattoos under his unkempt hair before burying his fingers in soft crimson locks. 

“Captain, I--”

“Don’t speak, Renji. You couldn’t possibly have anything to say to me that wouldn’t be completely false and riddled with self-blame. And from now on, whenever we’re alone, even in the office, you may call me Byakuya. All these barriers between us… I want them to disappear. My rank, my nobility, my wealth - I wish they didn’t exist. They were what made me hesitant to come to you. I didn’t know how to navigate my own emotions. I was constantly considering consequences for  _ myself  _ and completely missed just how far you had fallen. I could have never forgiven myself if I hadn’t reached you in time. I hope, with time, you can forgive me,” Byakuya spoke softly and slowly, trying to maintain what calm he could. It was becoming difficult to hold back his own tears.

So, instead of holding them back, he leaned down to rest his cheek on Renji’s hair and let them go. He could have never guessed that his ignorance and neglect had almost cost Renji his life. His  _ life.  _ This wasn’t just sadness. Renji had almost destroyed himself permanently. Byakuya would have never seen him again except for finding his lifeless body on the floor of his quarters. Just the mental image made a sob bubble up from his throat, alarming Renji from where he was resting against his chest.

“Ca- I mean, Byakuya… what’s wrong?” he whispered, looking up as well as he could. But Byakuya found himself unable to reply. Instead, he let go all of the pent-up frustration and self-loathing that had gathered over the weeks, holding Renji tighter against him and running his fingers repeatedly through his hair. He used the constant motion to soothe himself, really, but nothing seemed to pull him out of the episode of grief he had fallen into. 

“I almost lost you… forever,” he murmured, his lips against Renji’s hair as he spoke.

Renji heard the absolute heartbreak in Byakuya’s tone, and he shifted to move one hand to the back of Byakuya’s neck, threading his fingers through silky raven hair and holding him as well as he could from where he was laying. Byakuya really did care about him. There was no doubt now. He was quite shocked, though, when his Captain pushed his hair back from his face and leaned down to kiss his forehead. 

“Never again, Renji. Never again. I’ll never leave you,” he swore, his voice quiet, but permeating every fiber of Renji’s being. Renji took a deep, shuddering breath and nuzzled his nose into the side of Byakuya’s neck, instantly at peace taking in his sweet sakura scent. 

“Why… why did you leave?” Renji forced himself to ask. He knew it would only eat at him if he didn’t, even if he was almost positive he wasn’t going to like the answer. Byakuya knew it was coming, but still the question caught him off guard. He steadied himself with a deep breath.

“I left because… I was ashamed. Not of you, but of my own decisions. Revealing my emotions to you in such a way was dishonorable and cowardly, and being caught in such a situation would have meant severe consequences for me,” he paused, knowing that Renji had tensed a bit under his touch. “I apologize, Renji. Being afraid of those things was a mistake. I hope… I hope you can forgive me for acting so brazenly,” he added. To his surprise, Renji actually chuckled.

“Damn, Byakuya, it’s like you don’t know me at all. I’m not saying I sleep with just anyone, but that was a perfectly acceptable way to show me how you felt. If you were afraid  _ I  _ would disapprove, you’ve gotta get to know me better. Letting down all those walls, letting me see you like that, it was the  _ best  _ thing you could have done. I hope we can… do it again sometime. You know, on purpose. Under better circumstances,” Renji said, his voice shrinking to something that was actually a bit timid. This time, Byakuya laughed lightly, and Renji supported himself enough to look up to him, his eyes intently studying Byakuya’s face. 

“What’s wrong?” Byakuya asked.

“You  _ laughed _ . I needed to see what you look like when you laugh,” Renji replied. Byakuya’s smile lingered, and a comforting heat inundated Renji’s heart at the sight. 

“I assure you, Renji, I would like to redeem myself for what I did, so yes, I would like it if we engaged in that way again. Please, don’t be hesitant to do so with me. I  _ promise _ I won’t leave you again,” Byakuya assured him.

Silence fell again after that, Renji’s cheek flushing a bit at Byakuya admitting that he wanted to be intimate with him again, and he settled back against Byakuya’s body. They sat there until the sun was well above the horizon, Byakuya still insisting on running his fingers through Renji’s hair and occasionally kissing him, on the forehead, cheek, hair, wherever he could reach. He just wanted Renji to feel him there. He never wanted him to forget.

“Shouldn’t we be getting to work?” Renji finally asked. He knew it had to be nearly noon, but Byakuya hadn’t budged, and his grip around him still hadn’t weakened.

“I believe you’re due a day off, and I told you I wasn’t leaving you. So rest, Renji. I’ll be here,” Byakuya replied. Renji took another deep breath, finally feeling at peace. He was in Byakuya’s arms.  _ Byakuya’s  _ arms. The only place he had ever longed for the way he did for this man. No one else compared to the gorgeous noble - the man he looked up to, respected,  _ loved _ . 

Eventually, Byakuya realized that Renji’s arms around him had slacked, and his breathing had deepened. When he looked down to him, he smiled. He never thought he would feel such peace again in his life, but having Renji sleeping with his head rested on his shoulder rivaled one of the best moments of his life. His Lieutenant was the man he trusted, respected…  _ loved.  _ He leaned down to press one last kiss to Renji’s forehead, leaving his lips there for a moment and closing his eyes, reveling in the sensation of being so close to him.

“I love you, Renji,” he whispered into his skin. 

“Love you, Byakuya,” Renji replied, his words slurred with sleep. Byakuya’s heart leaped, but he was actually quite glad Renji had heard him. It meant he was finally being honest, as he always knew he should have, and Renji was accepting him. 

Forgiving him, perhaps.

Following his silent oath to be more honest with Renji, Byakuya whispered, “Whatever you do, Renji, keep living. If you ever think you have nothing to live for, remember me.

“Live for me.”


	3. To See You Smile

Renji woke the next day, after Byakuya had stayed with him while he slept away most of the previous day, in a bit of a panic. Byakuya had gone back home for the night, leaving him wondering if he had dreamt it all. But if he had, he knew he wouldn’t have slept so peacefully. The suffocating abandonment still would have been present in his heart as he rose from his bed.

But it wasn’t.

His heart was light and he was actually  _ happy  _ for the first time in three weeks. Still, a twinge of doubt struck, and he dressed in his shihakusho more quickly than he ever had in his life, flash stepping to the Sixth Division office in record time - and very much early. In fact, he didn’t even realize that the sun had barely risen until he was already at the office door, his hand poised to open it. 

The chilling spirit energy of his Captain was already present, and he hesitated. What if it had been a dream? What if he opened that door to the same emotionless mask that had been present since the day Byakuya had confessed his feelings? His heart clenched in his chest at the thought, and for a moment he felt like he couldn’t breathe. He took a deep, strained breath and steeled his determination. It didn’t really matter. His Captain knew he was there. The man never missed a trace of the spirit energy around him, and in the relative stillness of the morning, Renji knew his was rampant and uncontrolled in comparison. So, he slid the door open and stepped inside, not meeting Byakuya’s eyes as he crossed the room to his desk.

Byakuya’s gaze followed Renji as he walked, what seemed to be rather anxiously, to his desk. “Renji,” he said flatly, his voice almost a command in and of itself.

Renji froze next to his desk, a chill sparking down his spine at the deep, silky tone of the beautiful man’s voice. Even if it had been a dream, he loved his Captain. There was no doubt about that. Every single thing about him made Renji’s heart pound and his skin catch fire. 

“Look at me,” Byakuya beckoned.

Renji’s eyes widened when he realized that his tone had softened. Perhaps it wasn’t a dream after all. He couldn’t stop himself from obeying, turning slowly on his heel to face Byakuya. “Yes, Captain?” he muttered, trying in vain to read the emotions that were so skillfully buried behind the mask of indifference. Suddenly, though, Byakuya’s entire expression loosened, his hard glare softening and his mouth relaxing into a small smile. 

“Did I not tell you to call me Byakuya when we are alone?” Byakuya asked, the harshness having left his voice completely, leaving only a low, almost inviting tone that brought a smile to Renji’s face.

“Yeah, I guess you did. So… that all really happened, huh?” Renji inquired, bringing a hand to the back of his head and grinning a bit embarrassedly. His heart seemed to stop when Byakuya’s smile widened, the amusement actually showing in the steel pools of his eyes. 

“It did. What would have made you think it didn’t?” Byakuya’s brow furrowed a bit in curiosity with the question. 

The immense amount of emotion showing on that normally stoic face made Renji’s heart pound when it resumed actually beating. “I, uh… I woke up this morning thinking it might have been a dream,” he admitted, chuckling a bit at his own ridiculous fears. 

Byakuya’s heart dropped at the confession. Renji had every right to doubt what had happened. After all, he hadn’t been exactly open or receptive in the three weeks prior. But, he figured the best way to get through to Renji was with actions, not words. So, he stood from his chair, taking a deep breath as he rested his palms flat on the surface before fully standing. When his gaze came back up to Renji, he saw the pure shock in the depth of his dark brown eyes as the Lieutenant took in his Captain’s immediate vulnerability. 

In just a matter of seconds, Byakuya had torn down every wall between the world and his emotions, and Renji was nearly unable to stand at the immense  _ sadness  _ in Byakuya’s eyes. He wanted to go to him, hold him, tell him everything was fine, but he couldn’t seem to get himself to move. His breath hitched in his throat when Byakuya began to approach him, though, his movements still as graceful as ever despite the change in his expression.

Byakuya looked up at Renji, his heart threatening to break through his ribs with how unrelentingly it was racing. But he fought through the nervousness and finished closing the distance between them, tucking his arms under Renji’s to wrap them firmly around his back. He rested his head on Renji’s shoulder, taking a shaky breath before saying, “I know I hurt you, Renji, and you have every reason to doubt that I would be kind to you. But I  _ want  _ to be kind to you, to make up for my shortcomings. It was  _ my  _ fault that the world almost lost you, and I’m not going to let it happen again.”

Renji’s heart leaped and he nearly thought he would faint when Byakuya actually  _ hugged  _ him, right in the Sixth Division office, during work hours. He smiled, though, when he made no move to back away, even as he tensed under his touch. It took what felt like several long, humiliating minutes before Renji actually had the mind to reciprocate, letting his arms come around the slightly smaller man and holding him close. “Sorry, Byakuya. I don’t want you to think I was rejecting you or anything. I just really can’t believe you’d want me,” he murmured, burying his nose in soft raven hair and taking in his scent. 

Byakuya looked up to him, bringing a hand up to trace his fingertips from just under Renji’s ear to his chin, slate-colored eyes never ceasing to wander every detail as though it was his first time seeing it. Really, it  _ was.  _ It was the first time Byakuya had bothered to really  _ see  _ Renji this way, without the haze of responsibility or social status nagging his mind. 

And his Lieutenant was beautiful.

The unfeeling mask that hid Byakuya’s emotions completely shattered at the realization, and he gave Renji a genuine, heartfelt smile. “I wasn’t lying. I love you, Renji.”

Just hearing the words come from the noble’s mouth again, after convincing himself that they hadn’t actually happened the first time, made Renji have to take a deep, shuddering breath to steady himself. “I never thought I’d actually hear you say that,” he said quietly. If he had spoken any louder, it likely would have triggered the tears that were just on the edges of his eyes. He couldn’t tear his gaze away from his Captain, though, still wrapped in his arms and  _ smiling.  _

“Did you not hear me the first time? You did respond,” Byakuya pointed out.

Renji laughed, hesitantly bringing one hand away from Byakuya’s back to wipe his eyes. “I really wasn’t sure. I thought that was what I heard, but I was so tired, really half asleep already. Thank you, by the way, for staying with me. You didn’t have to,” he insisted.

Byakuya’s gaze hardened again, and his hands seemed to involuntarily form fists around the back of Renji’s shihakusho. “Yes, I did. I was  _ not  _ going to leave you in that state. I was even hesitant to leave you to sleep last night,” he replied, his voice steady and sure. 

Renji was quite surprised at Byakuya’s insistence, but he gave him a smile anyway, leaning in to kiss his Captain’s forehead. “If you want, you can stay with me anytime,” he suggested.

Where Byakuya expected a bit of heated implication in Renji’s voice, he heard nothing but an honest desire to be with him, masked by Renji’s constantly positive energy. When he investigated the man’s rampant spirit energy, he found only peace. “I would rather you stay with me. I have more spacious accommodations at the manor, and I’d like us both to be comfortable,” he replied. 

Renji felt heat rising to his cheeks at the words, and he chuckled nervously. “I don’t think such a proper place is really good for me,” he insisted. 

Byakuya’s glare returned, and he saw Renji’s eyes widen and his smile drop. “If you keep belittling yourself that way, I may have to find a suitable punishment for such self-degradation. You are the pride of the Sixth Division, and you must not think so lowly of yourself. Do you understand?” he asked sternly.

Renji nodded a bit shakily, tempted to pull away from the embrace they were still locked in, but absolutely not willing to let this man go, even if he did intimidate the hell out of him. “Right, Captain. I’ll watch that from now on,” he agreed.

Byakuya’s gaze softened again before he said, “Good. Now, I gave a serious suggestion and you gave me an unacceptable response. Would you like to spend the night in my manor or would you not?” 

Renji only tightened his arms around Byakuya, lowering his head to bury his face in his shoulder, yet again keeping tears at bay. He had never been so emotional over anyone in his life, and it was actually quite humiliating. “I would like that, Byakuya. Thank you,” he replied, his voice muffled by the heirloom scarf that hung around Byakuya’s neck and shoulders. Just touching such fine fabric brought another wave of complete unworthiness to wash over him, causing doubt to flood his mind. Still, he pushed it back. After all, Byakuya had threatened him over such thoughts. 

“Good. This evening, when the workday concludes, you will accompany me to my manor,” Byakuya said plainly. He shifted to take half a step back and looked up into Renji’s eyes rather determinedly. “I look forward to having you again, Renji. I was completely wrong the first time, and I regret it deeply,” he told him, stubbornly not allowing his eyes to wander. He very rarely felt insecurity, but when he did, it hit him with a devastating fierceness, but he refused to look away. Renji deserved his complete honesty after what he had put him through. 

Renji’s blood ran a bit hot at the statement, because he was fairly certain he knew what his Captain meant when he said ‘have’ him. Still, the second half of his statement struck him a bit oddly. “You mean… you regretted being with me?” he muttered, searching Byakuya’s guarded slate gray eyes for the true answer, and all he found was hardened anger at his words. 

When Renji actually stepped back, shrinking away from the sudden strong emotion, Byakuya’s expression dropped and he sighed. “No, Renji. I didn’t regret being with you at all. I regretted how I treated you. You deserve to be loved well - better than I loved you - and I plan to make up for that,” he explained. He truly hoped Renji believed him. Byakuya had never treated a lover so poorly, though he had to admit he hadn’t had many, even in his long life. Still, it had eaten at him for three weeks - three weeks that caused Renji to all but waste away without his knowledge - and he absolutely hated himself for it. “Please, Renji. Trust me. I won’t do to you what I did before. I made a  _ mistake.”  _

The agony in Byakuya’s strained expression made chills run down Renji’s spine. It didn’t matter what happened - in the office, in battle, anywhere - Byakuya had always held onto his poise and his pride. Here, in Renji’s presence only, both of those things had been completely dismissed, showing him a depth of emotion he could have previously only assumed his Captain possessed. And the admission that he was  _ wrong…  _ Renji never would have thought he would be hearing such words coming from that arrogant mouth. He only nodded, though, not speaking again before turning and sitting at his desk, picking up the first piece of paperwork in the stack. He looked up again, though, when Byakuya didn’t move except to rest a hand on the desk. 

“Renji, I want you to believe me, but I know that will take quite a bit of proof on my part. I plan to give you that,” Byakuya said quietly, his deep voice filled with conviction and confidence.

Renji nodded again, giving Byakuya a smile, holding his gaze to try to coax another grin out of the normally emotionless man. Every hint of positive feedback Renji received made his heart skip, and it was the best feeling in the world. He chuckled when Byakuya’s lips twitched up in the ghost of a smile. “Good enough, Byakuya. I’d love to see you smile more often,” he teased.

Byakuya nodded once, saying, “You will.”

* * *

  
Byakuya’s entire day was spent on edge, anticipating taking Renji home with him. It certainly wasn’t that he didn’t want to. He only feared his own ability to actually adequately make up for the absolute heartbreak he had put Renji through before. He had very little experience with such a thing, usually not emotionally invested enough to care about others’ misfortune and pain. In fact, he was quite aware that he had likely caused his Lieutenant other types of pain in the past. 

He had so much to atone for, and this night would only be the beginning. He truly hoped it would be enough to tell Renji that he really was serious about this. Byakuya never wanted him to feel worthless again.

Renji often looked over at his Captain over the course of the day, keeping sharp focus on his spiritual pressure. Sensing the conflicting emotions was a bit worrisome, but he knew Byakuya was battling himself over this. It was fairly obvious  _ why.  _ Emotion was a difficult thing for the disciplined man to express, and Renji knew it must feel awfully vulnerable to speak of it. But at least it was a start, and Renji was more than willing to be patient with him. He had already forgiven him for what he had done three weeks prior, even if no one else would have ever thought he deserved it. Abandonment after such a show of intimacy was among the worst things anyone could do - even Renji knew that.  _ He  _ had never left anyone like that. But he knew Byakuya, and he knew there was a lot on the line for him. It may not have been things that  _ should  _ have mattered, but if they were significant to him, Renji was determined to work around them as well as he could. He would keep their relationship a secret, if Byakuya wanted. As long as he could still be with him, he would do anything. 

Finally, Byakuya rose from his seat, and Renji’s eyes darted to the Captain’s desk. It was neatly organized, just as it always was at the end of the day, and he knew that was a cue that it was time to leave. For once, Renji had barely glanced at the clock all day, only concerned with the other man in the room. Despite the tense spiritual pressure radiating from Byakuya, Renji stood and joined him when he began to walk toward the door.

“Do you have any problem with us being seen walking together?” Renji asked, mindful to keep Byakuya’s concerns in mind during this rather sensitive transition phase of their relationship. Honestly, he wasn’t even sure it was a  _ relationship.  _ He had no idea how long Byakuya expected this to continue.

“No, but I tend to travel home rather quickly to avoid contact with others regardless,” Byakuya replied. He felt the tangible lift in Renji’s spirit energy at his response and had to fight down a smile. 

“Alright, I’ll catch up. You know I’m not nearly as fast as you,” Renji replied, looking down to him with a bright smile. 

Byakuya allowed his lips to quirk up in a small grin before opening the office door and flashing away, leaving Renji in the doorway, his smile never having waned even a bit. 

When he caught up to Byakuya at the gate of the Kuchiki Household grounds, the nerves began to kick in again, only exacerbated by the sudden sensation of Byakuya’s hand on his lower back, ushering him in when the gates opened. He tried to keep his hands from shaking, but his focus on them only made them shake  _ more.  _

“Calm down, Renji,” Byakuya insisted quietly as they walked through the compound to Byakuya’s personal manor. The intense apprehension practically  _ radiated  _ from the uncontrolled man, and it was beginning to force a bit of anxiety into Byakuya’s own usually unperturbed spiritual pressure. The sympathy was disconcerting. He had never allowed someone else’s emotions to influence him at all. But this was Renji, and as attuned to  _ all  _ of the energy around him as he was, Renji’s was the most prominent and worth his attention in his mind. 

Byakuya led him to his sprawling home in the back corner of the grounds, entering before him and guiding him through the complicated layout with a strong grip on his hand. Renji couldn’t stop his eyes from wandering, taking in every mundane and quite ordinary detail of the house. Nothing was really all that impressive about it other than the sheer size and complexity of it. They passed room after room that Renji could only guess the function of. He couldn’t imagine having so much space to himself. When they turned a corner to reveal a large bedroom, he stopped dead in the doorway, forcing Byakuya’s hand to pull on his own when he continued to cross the threshold. 

Byakuya looked back, his expression impossibly soft as he took in the absolute amazement in Renji’s eyes as they fully investigated every detail of the room. “You may come in, Renji,” he said quietly. 

The Lieutenant’s wide eyes returned to Byakuya’s gorgeously tame face, and he was absolutely powerless to resist the urge to take the step forward to close the distance between them, holding him against him in a firm embrace. “I’ve never been somewhere that screamed privilege like this, but nothing in the world compares to seeing you let down your guard like that,” he murmured, his lips pressed against Byakuya’s hair. 

Byakuya let himself relax, a bit taken by surprise at Renji’s sudden movements. It almost caused defensiveness to rise in his mind, but he knew Renji didn’t intend to hurt him. It was just an embedded instinct - one that he would quickly have to learn to dismiss. So, he melted into Renji’s touch, leaning his cheek against his shoulder and resting his forehead against his neck. With a deep breath, he stepped back only slightly, putting a bit of space between them but not forcing Renji to drop his arms from around him. 

“Renji… this will be very different than last time we did this. I’m actually quite frightened to be so intimate with you, but I need you to understand that those fears have nothing to do with you. I haven’t had many lovers, and most of the reason lies in the fact that I despise being so exposed and vulnerable. So, I’ll need you to be very patient with me,” Byakuya requested. His voice was quiet, almost timid, and Renji only leaned in to kiss his forehead.

He left his lips pressed against the smooth, pristine skin, letting up the pressure only a bit to say, “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll do whatever you tell me to, and give you as much time as you need. I’m just so glad to be here with you right now.”

Byakuya smiled, closing his eyes to really  _ feel  _ the closeness they had in this moment. Renji truly did love him, it was clear in every word he spoke and every action he took. Byakuya took his hand again and led him further into the room, amused by the fact that, despite everything that had arrested his attention when they had first entered the room, Renji was completely focused on him now. “It is still quite early,” Byakuya muttered thoughtfully. He brought Renji to the edge of the large bed, sitting and motioning that he do the same. 

“Did you… really mean you didn’t mind if people saw us together?” Renji asked as he settled next to Byakuya. His mind was absolutely reeling with everything new that had entered his thoughts that day. He had woken up wondering if Byakuya’s affections were an elaborate dream, and not twelve hours later, he was in the man’s bedroom, in the  _ Kuchiki Manor.  _

“Yes, Renji, I meant that. After seeing how my avoidance affected you, I have no desire to repeat it. My rank, my noble blood, my wealth… I don’t know how our relationship will affect any of that, but I don’t much care anymore. If those things keeping us apart costs you your life, they don’t matter,” Byakuya replied, his eyes to the floor as he spoke. Admitting such depth of feeling made his heart clench in his chest. But when Renji’s arm came up around his shoulders to pull him close, he sighed. He didn’t deserve someone as understanding as Renji. It never would matter what he said or did. As long as he didn’t reject or abandon him again, Byakuya was absolutely sure Renji would always love him, and that was terrifying.

“That means the world to me to hear you say that. Honestly, Byakuya, you don’t ever have to be afraid to tell me anything. I mean it -  _ anything.  _ Even if you hate something I’m doing or you feel hurt by something I say, I want you to tell me. I desperately want to hear every single thought that crosses that noble mind of yours,” Renji said, his voice soft and reassuring. 

Byakuya allowed his head to fall and rest on Renji’s shoulder, giving a heavy sigh. He was right. Renji was already incredibly committed to him. Though, he figured that shouldn’t have come as such a surprise. It was obvious for all to see how loyal he was as a Lieutenant, and now that Byakuya knew that had been burying unspoken feelings for years, he shouldn’t have been so shocked to hear such things from him. “I will try, but speaking freely has never been a strength of mine, being forced to stay silent to protect the reputation of my family. Any spirited personality I once had has been trained out of me. I still remember… there  _ was  _ once a time when I would allow my anger to get the best of me. I would actually become irritated, but I would smile frequently as well. I was but a child, and now such things  _ feel  _ childish to me,” he admitted.

Renji chuckled and tightened his hold on Byakuya’s shoulders. “If there’s anything I’ll  _ never  _ think of you, it’s that you’re childish. It doesn’t matter what happens behind these walls, I’ll always respect you as a superior. So, you can get mad, cry,  _ laugh…  _ Everything you do alone with me will be kept between us. I promise,” he swore.

The immense conviction and certainty in Renji’s voice pulled a bit more relaxation into Byakuya’s body, and he more heavily leaned into Renji’s side, letting a smile curve his lips as he shifted to actually move closer to him, their sides flush to one another and Byakuya’s nose pressed into Renji’s neck. “Thank you, Renji. I truly don’t deserve you,” he murmured. 

Renji chuckled, wrapping both arms around Byakuya and holding him for a moment, pressing a light kiss to his soft raven hair. “I’ll take that compliment, but I really don’t think I deserve you, either,” he teased softly.

Byakuya gave a quiet hum of contentment before moving to stand from the edge of the bed, chuckling as Renji tensed and followed him with his eyes. “I am only going to get more comfortable. You may stay there,” he said, not taking another step away until Renji had relaxed again. He crossed to the wall opposite the bed, opening an elaborately designed armoire and beginning to remove his accessories.

Renji watched intently, not wanting to miss a single detail. He had seen Byakuya with all of his nobility and rank signifiers removed, but it was a completely different thing to  _ watch  _ him take them off. Every single thing Byakuya did was full of absolute grace, and Renji knew he would never get tired of just  _ looking  _ at the man. 

Byakuya delicately pulled the tekko from his hands, laying them neatly in a small drawer before pulling the scarf from around his neck, folding it with practiced precision and putting it away. The haori came off next, and it was hung on a hook on the back of the armoire door. But Renji was only more captivated when Byakuya slid the kenseikan from his hair, the loose strands falling into place as though they hadn’t even been constrained all day.

Byakuya ran his hands through his hair for a moment before closing the armoire and turning back to Renji, freezing in place when he saw just how riveted Renji’s eyes were toward him. But his tension eased when Renji gave him a smile, though he wasn’t unobservant enough to miss the heat in the Lieutenant’s eyes. He approached him again and stood before him, reaching out with a delicate hand to run his fingers along the tattoos on Renji’s forehead. “Your tattoos are fantastic, Renji. I’ve really only ever seen the ones under your shihakusho in battle, and I regretfully didn’t take a proper amount of time to admire them before,” he said quietly, his touch still slowly traversing the jagged black lines. 

Renji’s eyes flashed with a bit of desire as he said with a low, suggestive voice, “You can see them anytime you want now.” 

Byakuya chuckled. “Patience, Renji. We have all evening,” he reminded him. “May I take the tie from your hair?” he asked. 

“Of course. Byakuya, you can do almost anything you want to me and I’m certain I won’t have any complaints,” Renji replied with a wide grin. 

Byakuya returned his smile, reaching back to pull the tie loose from Renji’s vibrant crimson hair, letting it fall freely past his shoulders. He ran his hands through it to settle it in place, really out of habit of doing the same to his own, and chuckled lightly at the involuntary action. But his hands paused in Renji’s hair when he realized just how  _ soft  _ it was. He found himself slowing his movements, feeling the texture with great care and interest. His breath hitched when Renji gave a low hum and actually began to lean into his hand, almost like an overly affectionate pet. He got to his knees on the floor in front of him, not removing his hands, but curiously looking up to him. Renji’s face was incredibly relaxed, a small smile on his lips and his eyes closed. “Is this comforting for you?” Byakuya asked, a bit of amusement in his voice.

Renji nodded slowly, not wanting to interrupt Byakuya’s movements. “Yeah, it’s been a while, too. I guess you did this a bit yesterday, but it really wasn’t the same. Now… it feels amazing, and not in any kind of sexual way. It just really relaxes me. I actually do this to myself at the end of a rough day when I need to calm down,” he replied.

Byakuya was taken aback by the absolute serenity in Renji’s voice. The brash man usually carried so much tension, and just this simple action was able to pull every single bit of it out of him, leaving him completely pliant under Byakuya’s touch. He didn’t stop slowly running his hands through Renji’s hair as he asked, “What about massage? Would you allow me to massage you?” 

Renji’s eyes snapped open, and he saw the immense sincerity in Byakuya’s soft slate eyes. His sudden shock morphed into gentleness, and he nodded. “Yeah, but… don’t be surprised if you touching me so much  _ does  _ start to get a different reaction out of me,” he replied honestly.

Byakuya gave a small, heated smirk. “I can’t deny that’s  _ partially  _ the idea,” he said, his voice low and suggestive.

Between Byakuya’s confident smile and the tone of his voice, Renji already felt heat pooling in his core, but he dismissed it for the moment. Byakuya was being quite open about the fact that he  _ wanted  _ this to lead to something else, so Renji was content to wait, give him as much time as he needed, as he had said he would. He was completely unwilling to rush this. If Byakuya felt the need to atone for what he had done - as unnecessary as Renji thought it was - he was willing to let him. Just being brought shamelessly into the man’s bedroom and being offered any kind of contact was enough for him. Just the fact that it was  _ Byakuya’s  _ hands running through his hair in a constant, comforting motion had him nearly forgetting that he had ever abandoned him.

“Alright, then take off your kosode and lie down on your stomach on the bed. Make yourself comfortable,” Byakuya instructed, taking his hands from Renji’s hair to allow him to do as he had asked. 

Renji didn’t hesitate, standing from the edge of the bed and untucking the top of his uniform, pulling it off of his shoulders and tossing it over the end of the bed before lying down as Byakuya had told him. He wrapped his arms around the pillow under his head, taking a deep breath and relaxing as well as he could with the anticipation of Byakuya’s hands about to be on his bare skin. He involuntarily tensed when he felt Byakuya getting on the bed next to him, glancing back to see him settling on his knees.

“Relax, Renji. This isn’t meant to cause you stress,” Byakuya insisted when he saw how tight the muscles in Renji’s back were. He smiled when another deep breath raised and lowered Renji’s body, and he set himself to work when Renji closed his eyes. Byakuya began at Renji’s shoulders, kneading carefully but still thoroughly, working out each tight muscle before moving on. When his touch trailed down to Renji’s shoulder blades, his hands gravitated toward the black tribal patterns that adorned the otherwise flawless skin. “It is a shame I haven’t asked this before after so many years… Why  _ do  _ you have so many tattoos?” Byakuya inquired, massaging out a particularly stubborn knot just below Renji’s right shoulder blade.

Renji grunted, trying not to actually groan as Byakuya shifted to press his elbow into the insistently tight muscle. “They come from--” he let out a shuddering breath as the knot released, his entire back feeling looser as a result, “--Zabimaru.” 

Byakuya’s brow furrowed in curiosity as he moved to the other side of Renji’s back, giving it the same slow, thorough treatment. “How so?” he asked.

Renji could hardly control his breathing, trying desperately to relax but nearly unable to as Byakuya’s skilled hands pulled every knot from the tightness of his back. He couldn’t even recall the last time someone had done this for him - if anyone ever had. “As my bond with Zabimaru grows, I gain more tattoos. The last time I got more was when I learned bankai,” he finally replied, though his voice was quite strained.

Byakuya couldn’t help the smile that remained unmoving on his lips at Renji’s reactions. This was clearly a rather euphoric experience for him, for many reasons. “And which ones were those? The ones here on your back?” he asked, his fingers lightly tracing the stark black lines that trailed from his shoulder blades to the middle of his back.

Renji shivered a bit at the gentle touch, but forced out, “Yes. It actually took me a few days to notice them.” He chuckled a bit at the memory, momentarily distracted from the smooth, tender attention to his back. “I caught sight of them in the mirror while I was getting ready a few mornings later, almost broke my ankle tripping over things to find another mirror so I could see my own back,” he said, still smiling.

Byakuya laughed lightly at his reply, having worked all the way down to Renji’s lower back as they spoke. It was actually quite freeing, being able to converse with his Lieutenant like this, without the worry of prying eyes or ears. Really, he figured none of that mattered anymore, though. He had promised Renji full openness of their feelings toward each other, and even if that meant maintaining professionalism in the office, it also meant he wouldn’t be hesitant to  _ speak  _ to him about most anything from now on. After this night, he doubted any topic of conversation would be off the table. “Turn over, Renji,” he instructed. 

Byakuya’s voice had lost quite a bit of the sharp command Renji was accustomed to, but it wasn’t disconcerting at all. It only showed Renji just how comfortable his Captain already was with him. Just his curiosity about his tattoos was enough to show that, though. It was a detail of Renji’s appearance that most simply accepted. In fact, even some of his closest friends didn’t even know their true origin. It wasn’t something Renji boasted about, as much as he would like to. He preferred to keep his training rather quiet, so he allowed the others to maintain their ignorance. 

As Renji obeyed, Byakuya almost immediately realized that he had made a mistake by having him turn to face him. The way his hair fell around his head in a disheveled way, the pure relaxation in his expression, and just how ridiculously attractive his body was combined to cause heat to rise to Byakuya’s cheeks. The confident smirk that elicited only caused his blush to deepen, but he kept to his task, bringing his hands to Renji’s chest to gently press the heels of his hands into the untouched muscles. When he reached Renji’s ribs, he had to stop, looking up to bring slate gray eyes to meet with dark brown.

“Renji, I… how does that feel? Better?” Byakuya asked, completely humiliated by the way he stumbled over his words. His hands were still resting on Renji’s sides, his thumbs running down the tattoos there. 

“It feels great, Byakuya. Thank you,” Renji said, genuine gratefulness in his tone.

Byakuya nodded and sat up, smiling a bit as Renji watched him closely. He pulled off his own kosode, throwing it to the floor rather carelessly, because he was much more riveted on Renji’s reaction. Wide eyes wandered his body, and the appreciative look only drove Byakuya to continue as he had planned, leaning down to hover over him, his hands braced on the bed on either side of his body. He continued down to press his lips to Renji’s neck, a sharp breath forced past his lips when Renji barely, but still audibly, groaned at the action. Light kisses trailed up Renji’s neck, then along his jawbone until Byakuya reached his chin, pausing for a moment to take in Renji’s already lustful gaze before claiming his lips, heat bursting through his body as Renji immediately and eagerly allowed him access to his mouth.

Renji whimpered quietly as Byakuya completely took control of him, exploring and rather aggressively claiming his mouth with his tongue. He melted into the comfortable surface beneath him, content to allow this man every liberty he wanted. He hadn’t been lying - Byakuya likely  _ couldn’t  _ cross any kind of boundary with him. Renji trusted him wholeheartedly, despite what had happened before. Byakuya didn’t physically hurt him then, and he was confident that he wouldn’t now, either. With the promise that Byakuya was atoning for his previous actions, he even trusted that he wouldn’t demand that he leave afterward. Byakuya wanted this just as fervently as he did, and it was obvious in his possessive kiss. 

When Byakuya broke away from Renji’s mouth, the heat that was mounting in his body was nearly overbearing. He was breathing rather heavily, but he absolutely couldn’t stop worshiping every inch of Renji’s body, hoping beyond reason that his slow, admiring actions were enough for Renji to realize the depth of his regret for how he treated him before. His hands gently followed the path of his lips, slowly and tenderly kissing back down his neck to his collarbone. He allowed his tongue to pass his lips occasionally, humming in satisfaction at the unique taste of Renji’s skin. “I love every part of you, Renji,” he murmured into the skin under his mouth.

Renji whined at his words, his hands clutching the pillow behind his head and his entire body tensing with the desire to touch the gorgeous man hovering over him. 

Byakuya actually felt Renji’s muscles tense, having made it to Renji’s chest in his task to lavish every single bit of his body with careful attention. He looked up, pausing for a moment to take in the legitimate strain in Renji’s expression. “You may touch me, Renji. Please, do as you wish,” he offered.

Renji hardly let him finish his second sentence before his hands were on him, groaning deeply as he felt the smooth, flawless skin. His touch trailed as far as he could reach, down Byakuya’s back and then back up to thread his fingers into silky hair. “Damn, Byakuya, you’re so gorgeous,” he whispered. 

Byakuya hummed a response as he proceeded down Renji’s body, his tongue leaving a wet trail along the chiseled lines of his abs. When he reached the tie of his hakama, he stopped, looking up and catching Renji’s eyes, which were still locked on him. “May I proceed from here?” he requested. At Renji’s rather desperate nod, he untied the sash and pulled it a bit to loosen it, slowly shifting from under Renji’s admiring hands to remove his pants completely. Once Renji’s body was entirely exposed, Byakuya only sat at the end of the bed, where he had ended up to take off Renji’s pants, to look over his body.

The greedy possession in his desire-filled gray eyes caused a shiver to spark down Renji’s spine, and he watched as his Captain took in every single detail, rather slowly tracing every tattoo with his eyes. At a light touch to his knee, Renji parted his legs, allowing Byakuya to settle between them.

“So beautiful, Renji. Such a gorgeous body,” Byakuya murmured, running a hand from Renji’s knee down his thigh to his hip, lingering on a defined hip bone and groaning at the hard, sexy muscles under his hand. 

Renji whimpered under Byakuya’s compliments, never thinking the perfect man would ever believe such things about someone as unrefined as himself. He was already achingly hard, and Byakuya had really hardly done anything, hadn’t even directly touched him anywhere particularly arousing. Still, just  _ being with  _ this man in this context made arousal sift into his system without any effort at all. “Byakuya, please… please, I need you,” Renji begged, his eyes not leaving slate gray.

Byakuya gave Renji a soft smile and lowered himself down to him, propping on his elbows and pressing the rest of his body flush with Renji’s, groaning deeply at the sensation of their hard lengths pressing against one another, even through the fabric of his own hakama. 

The sensual sound coming from that noble mouth caused Renji to echo it, bringing his hands up to bury them into soft raven hair and pulling him down into a rough, deeply satisfying kiss. One hand left Byakuya’s hair when Renji was sure he wasn’t going to back away, running down his back to curve around to his side, studying every toned muscle as he went, only stopping when he reached his pants. 

Renji gave a desperate whine when his fingers touched fabric, and Byakuya backed away, thankful when Renji allowed him. He kept his expression calm as he sat back up on his knees, reaching for the tie at his waist.

“Please, let me,” Renji requested, sitting up and rather frantically grasping Byakuya’s hands to stop him. Byakuya wordlessly relented his grip on the sash, watching as Renji’s hands took their place, trembling a bit as he pulled the tie loose. When Byakuya’s hakama fell to a heap around his knees on the bed, Renji let out an audible whimper, his hands moving to lightly grasp Byakuya’s hips. He leaned in to press slow, careful kisses around Byakuya’s hip bone before pulling away and looking up to find Byakuya watching him. 

“Would you like to taste, Renji?” Byakuya asked, his voice low and smooth and sending heat and arousal straight to Renji’s already almost painfully hard cock. 

“Fuck yes, Byakuya - please,” Renji replied, strain evident as he held back another whine. 

Byakuya smiled down at him, absolutely thrilled by his desperate reactions. “I will allow you to fully taste me, but only if you lie down first,” Byakuya said quietly. He wanted to keep Renji calm, but he was also growing ridiculously hard himself just from Renji’s reactions and the hunger in his eyes. 

Renji obeyed, lying back on the bed and anxiously awaiting whatever Byakuya had planned. 

Byakuya shifted up the bed to straddle Renji’s chest, leaning forward a bit to grasp the headboard. When he looked down at Renji, he held back a groan at his wide, lust-filled eyes. “I want you to take me in your mouth, and do as you wish. Are you comfortable with me finishing in your mouth? You are absolutely at liberty to tell me anything that makes you uncomfortable, so don’t only say yes because you think I’d like for you to,” Byakuya insisted, watching Renji’s expression for even the slightest negative reaction. 

“Yes, I’d - I’d like for you to finish in my mouth. I’ve done this before, don’t worry about me,” Renji assured him, hurriedly completing his sentence before wrapping his hand around Byakuya’s hard length and taking it into his mouth, settling his hands on the back of Byakuya’s thighs once he was sure he was settled. 

A heavy moan slipped from Byakuya’s throat at the sudden action, and he tightened his grip on the headboard, tilting his hips down and back only slightly to improve the angle at which Renji was taking him in. It didn’t take long at all for him to completely lose control of his voice, sensual moans and soft sounds issuing without his consent. It had been an incredibly long time since he had felt so much pleasure, and Renji’s warm mouth and gentle tongue caused heat to inundate his body. “So good - shit, Renji, that feels amazing - I won’t last long like this,” he groaned. He nearly cried out, choking off the impulse as Renji’s tongue flicked past the tip. 

Renji repeated the action, moaning around Byakuya’s cock when it twitched with the focused attention. And hearing the composed man  _ curse  _ \- that was enough to nearly send Renji over the edge, and he wasn’t even being touched. He lavished every inch he could fit into his mouth at this angle with loving strokes, knowing if he tried to go further he would likely gag. He  _ had  _ done this before, but that meant he knew from experience that he absolutely couldn’t take anyone into his throat, and he was glad Byakuya was holding steady, allowing Renji to control the depth. As his tongue neared the tip again, it pulled a sound from Byakuya’s mouth that was somewhere between a groan and a whine, and Renji knew he was close. 

Byakuya held himself tensely still, fully aware that Renji was very much keeping him well shallow enough that it was obvious he wasn’t comfortable taking him any further. Still, the feel of his tongue swirling around the tip of his cock was driving him insane, and he was on the edge much more quickly than he ever thought he could be. “Renji, I’m going to come. I’ll hold back until you’re ready. When you are, grab my hand, here on my hip,” he instructed, his focus on Renji’s comfort keeping him from immediately tumbling over. 

It was mere seconds and a small adjustment before Renji was firmly grasping his hand, and he allowed himself to let go, his entire body tensing as the heat that had until then been a pleasant warmth under his skin exploded into searing intensity. He felt Renji swallowing, sucking lightly on his cock as he did so, and a low groan came up from his throat as the motion drew out his already overwhelming orgasm, his body spasming and his legs stiff as he fought to keep still until he was prepared for Renji to release him. Slowly, he loosened his hands from their tight grip on the headboard, lowering a hand to bury it in Renji’s hair as he pulled away from him. 

Renji was still whining a bit, especially as Byakuya backed away, both curious of what he was doing and hoping he didn’t plan to leave. He had no idea what validity that thought had - they were in  _ his  _ house - but it crossed his mind nonetheless. But Byakuya only settled between his legs again, still seeming a bit out of breath as he lowered himself down onto Renji’s body to recover from the intense orgasm. But as soon as Byakuya’s hard abs pressed against his arousal, Renji groaned loudly, his hands instantly going to Byakuya’s sides to lift him off of him.

“Calm, Renji. Would you like for me to use my body to help bring you some relief?” Byakuya asked. He resisted Renji’s hold and returned to his place over him, lightly pressing down onto him to show him what he meant.

“Damn - yes, Byakuya - please - let me come,” Renji begged, a low whine tracing his voice. The fire that raced through his blood at Byakuya’s brazen words and actions had him incredibly close to the edge already, and he had to hold back from actually crying out when Byakuya began to thrust against him.

“Ah - Renji, your body feels amazing against mine. I’ve never told you - how incredibly sexy you are to me,” Byakuya allowed his thoughts to exit his mouth, and Renji groaned in response to the compliments. As he slowly but firmly rubbed against Renji’s body, he felt himself beginning to respond again as well. He had never recovered so quickly. In fact, he was almost sure this was going to be the end of the encounter once Renji was relieved, but it seemed his body had other plans. 

Renji began to reciprocate, meeting Byakuya’s thrusts and increasing the pace when he felt Byakuya’s arousal returning. “Fuck - Byakuya, so damn hot - getting hard just feeling me against you,” he groaned. He was nearly there, trying desperately to hold back for as long as he could, just to keep feeling that perfect body moving against him. He grasped Byakuya’s hips, though, grinding against him even more roughly as he felt his inevitable climax mounting. “Going to come - Bya-” but the name was cut off when his body acted against his control, pushing him into the bliss of an orgasm so blindingly pleasurable that for a moment he felt that the breath was taken from his lungs. When the initial wave of pleasure washed over him and began to wane into blissful aftershocks, he finally caught his breath again, panting heavily and very much grateful that he was the one lying on the bed as his body involuntarily went completely lax.

Byakuya watched Renji’s face when his climax claimed him, contorted in absolute pleasure, his mouth slightly open as though he actually couldn’t breathe through it. He continued to thrust against him through the small spasms, being sure Renji had relaxed before lowering onto him again, pressing light kisses to his neck, following the pattern of the small tattoo there. “So much pleasure. I want to see you like that every single day, Renji. I never want to cause you pain again,” he murmured, his warm breath ghosting over Renji’s skin. 

Renji chuckled lightly, still breathing heavily but recovering. “Every day, huh? That’s a bit of a commitment I hear,” he teased.

Byakuya backed away to study his expression, hoping it wasn’t amused rejection in his eyes. He was baring his heart to this man, and he truly didn’t want it to end badly for either of them. Byakuya had always been trained to keep his thoughts and feelings bottled up, but he felt that he finally had a safe place to air those things, and that place was with Renji. “Is that alright? May I commit myself to you?” he asked softly, sweeping a few stray hairs from Renji’s face.

“Would you really want to? Of course I’d be nothing but happy with that, but I don’t want you to feel stuck with me just because you made a mistake three weeks ago,” Renji answered honestly.

Byakuya considered the response, but a soft smile came to his lips and he leaned down to kiss Renji’s cheek. “I’ve already told you, the mistake was not being with you. The mistake was how I responded. Please understand that I  _ want  _ to be committed to you. I feel safe with you, as I hope you do with me. There is nothing I would want more than to call you mine,” he said gently, his voice more filled with overt love than it had been in decades. 

Renji smiled and nodded. “Alright then. You can call me yours as long as I can do the same,” he murmured, bringing a hand up to the back of Byakuya’s head and tenderly threading his fingers through silken hair before pulling him down into a heated kiss.

Byakuya instantly parted his lips, groaning into Renji’s mouth when he was given immediate access. He whined a bit when the taste of his own release lingered, driving him to take a bit more control of the kiss instead of just lazily exploring. It became a bit of a mission for him to taste every corner, silently claiming what was his, the mixed flavors of Renji and himself being solid evidence that they were  _ together,  _ and this time Byakuya wasn’t letting him go. As he felt Renji’s arousal again mounting at his actions, he broke away. “I’d like to take you again, Renji. I want to make you mine, properly this time,” he said, his voice low and husky.

Renji groaned at the words, his hands wandering down Byakuya’s sides to again take hold of his hips. “Yes, please, I want to be yours,” he forced his voice up from his tight throat, strained with desire and desperation to feel this man inside him again. To have a memory that wasn’t stained with loss - it was something he never thought he would have.

Byakuya leaned down to press his lips to Renji’s cheek before lifting his body off of him, chuckling a bit when he felt the wetness between them from Renji’s release. “I suppose I could prepare you with this, if you don’t mind,” he suggested, running two fingers through the liquid and holding them up. 

Renji legitimately whined at the idea, and he shook his head. “Don’t mind at all. I told you - do what you want to me, Byakuya - couldn’t ever tell you no,” he panted, already a bit out of breath again from the long, possessive kiss they shared. 

Byakuya’s heart leaped a bit at the instant and fairly desperate response. Renji truly did trust him completely, regardless of his prior actions. He trusted him to do what was right and not hurt him, do what was best for both of them, without even a single thought about it. “I won’t betray that trust you have in me, Renji. Never again. You are mine now, and I will treat you as such,” Byakuya said softly. He trailed his clean hand down Renji’s body, smiling at the fact that every muscle twitched and tightened when his touch reached it. Finally, he reached Renji’s hip again and brought his other hand, slick with Renji’s release, down to the other man’s entrance. 

Renji groaned heavily when he felt Byakuya’s delicate fingers tracing his entrance, careful and slow this time. It didn’t take long, though, for him to press in a single slender finger, causing fire to erupt across Renji’s body at the intrusion. It was ridiculous that one finger could do this to him, but it was the fact that it was  _ Byakuya.  _ The man he had dreamed of for  _ years.  _ The man he thought would never return his hidden affections. He couldn’t help the sensual vocalizations that exited his mouth at the thought as he felt Byakuya delve a bit further, carefully stretching as he did.

Byakuya felt Renji’s body tighten around his finger a bit and held back a groan. He desperately wanted to really take the time to  _ feel  _ that sensation around his cock. The last time they had done this, Byakuya knew it was on a whim, but that didn’t make his feelings for Renji any less true. He loved Renji, and now he was going to show him - take care of him as well as he could. “Relax, my Renji. I won’t tease too heavily while I’m preparing you. I want you to hold out for me until I can feel you around me,” Byakuya said softly.

Renji whimpered at Byakuya’s claim on him, and it caused another wave of pleasure to wash over him, a comfortable warmth that spread to every corner of his being. “Yes, yours - all yours, Byakuya,” he said, his voice coming out as little more than a breath. 

Byakuya smiled when Renji began to relax again, and he continued to prepare him, slowly and thoroughly, adding a second finger when he had fully inserted the first. Once he had stretched as well as he could with both fingers, he slowly pulled them out, truly not wanting to seek out more stimulation when he knew Renji was already quite desperate for him. He locked eyes with Renji as he positioned himself at his entrance, intently watching for discomfort as he pressed in just a bit.

Renji cried out at the sensation of his body being breached with something much larger than just two fingers, but he instantly relaxed around it, willing his body to welcome Byakuya, allowing him further. He felt Byakuya ease in more when he stayed relaxed, a constant stream of moans and broken words flowing from his barely parted lips. “So - full, yes - more - need you, Byakuya - need to feel you,” he begged, desire clear in his voice.

Byakuya continued his slow pace, trying desperately to edge himself as he went, because he already felt a second climax mounting quickly. When he looked down at Renji, he took in the absolutely wrecked expression he wore, having completely given himself over to the pleasure of having Byakuya’s cock buried inside him. A sudden spark of responsibility and possessiveness struck Byakuya’s heart, and he lowered himself down to cover Renji’s body with his own as well as he could, pressing kisses to Renji’s neck and murmuring, “You’re safe, my Renji. I’m with you, and you’re mine. All mine. I’ll never leave you. Love you, Renji. Mine.” The words flowed so freely that he didn’t even have time to think, only say what was crossing his mind before it even registered as a thought. 

Renji was completely lost in pleasure, feeling every inch Byakuya eased in as he gently thrusted and wishing the sensation would never end. Just being so connected to this man in this way was something that he knew would never get old. He would never stop wanting to feel him - never stop wanting to hear him say he loved him. “Love you, Byakuya, so, so much,” he replied. 

Byakuya heard his words, but almost immediately groaned deeply as he was fully sheathed, feeling the tight walls around him. A small spasm drew a sharp, short cry from his throat. “Renji, please, just a bit longer,” he nearly begged. He shifted a bit to press in as far as he possibly could, the warmth around him causing heat to flood him at an alarming rate. “I want to feel you come, Renji, but I’m so close,” he added, truly not wanting to let go until Renji did.

“Me, too, Byakuya. You don’t - have to move. Just touch me - please,” Renji suggested.

Byakuya took the invitation, shifting his weight to the side to free one hand from holding him up and reaching between them to take a gentle hold on Renji’s cock, which was slick with his own release. “Whenever you need, come for me, Renji,” he told him, his voice deep and traced with somewhat of a command. 

Renji whimpered at his tone, the sound turning to a groan as Byakuya’s hand began to lightly pump his cock. “Ah - so fucking close - yes - just a - little more - I’m right - it’s -” but his voice was cut off as another intense orgasm tore through his body, and he arched off of the bed with the force of it, trying to touch every bit of Byakuya’s skin that he could, his body filled with chilling heat that remained for what felt like several minutes.

Byakuya didn’t even have time to thrust into Renji again before he felt his own climax claim him, and he buried himself as deeply inside as he could as he filled him, his voice absolutely beyond his own control as he groaned, “Mine. My Renji - yes. Only mine.”

Renji nodded, holding Byakuya’s hips as he felt his hard cock spasming inside him, filling him with liquid heat. “Yours. Always, Byakuya. Only want to be yours,” he echoed Byakuya’s words, meaning them from the very depths of his heart. He  _ wanted  _ to belong to this man, and never anyone else. He’d had partners before, even when he was silently admiring his Captain, but he would have dropped any one of them at the opportunity to have this, and every one of them knew it. His heart had always belonged to Byakuya, and the fact that Byakuya actually  _ wanted  _ him caused a pleasant buzz to fill his mind as they both calmed from the intense pleasure. 

Byakuya finally caught his breath, taking his hand from around Renji’s cock and carefully propping on his elbows over him again, not yet pulling himself from Renji’s tight body. “Do you enjoy when I claim you, Renji? When I call you mine?” he asked, running his clean hand through Renji’s hair as he spoke.

Renji turned his head to lean into Byakuya’s touch and nodded. “Of course. I’ve always wanted to be yours, and now that I am, I never want to let you go,” he replied.

Byakuya chuckled lightly, bringing his face down to kiss him lightly, tenderly, with more care than he had ever treated anything before. “Good, because I never want to let you go, either,” he whispered against Renji’s lips. Renji’s smile at the words caused a grin to curve Byakuya’s own lips, and he kissed him again before pulling away. But, before he could stray too far, Renji’s arms wrapped tightly around him, holding him to him. 

“Please don’t go, Byakuya,” Renji seemed to beg, burying his hand in Byakuya’s hair and holding a strong arm around his waist. 

Byakuya was rather shocked by the sudden change in Renji’s demeanor, but he relaxed under the desperate hold, continuing to run his hand through Renji’s hair. “It’s alright, Renji. I was only going to get something to clean us up. I want to take care of you. I’m not leaving. You are mine now, remember?” he said quietly. 

Renji nodded, still feeling rather desperate for contact, the shadowy parts of his heart still fearing that Byakuya would ask him to leave. “Could we… take a shower instead? Together?” Renji requested.

Byakuya felt like his heart skipped too many beats at Renji’s gentle, docile tone, but still he nodded. “Yes, Renji, of course.” This time, when he moved to sit up, Renji allowed him, but Byakuya was sure to keep his hand on Renji’s back as he moved, assuring him that he wasn’t leaving him. He winced a bit as he disconnected from Renji’s body, but he wasn’t even able to fully get off the bed before Renji’s arms were around him again, pulling him into his lap and burying his face in his hair. “Renji…” he whispered, allowing the action but rather confused by it.

“Promise me,” Renji spluttered through tears that had cropped up so suddenly that they had shocked even him. 

Byakuya shifted as well as he could to look up to Renji, and when he saw the moisture on Renji’s cheeks, his heart dropped. “Promise you what, Renji? What’s wrong?” he asked, feeling rather frantic and completely out of control of the situation. 

“Promise me you’ll stay. Please, don’t leave me again. My heart has  _ always  _ belonged to you, and you’ve never cared. I’m sorry… I just - this is hard for me. It’s hard for me to see past what you did to me,” Renji tried to explain, but it simply didn’t seem right for him to be thinking such things. Byakuya had gone to great lengths to make this up to him, but the immense insecurity that struck when Byakuya had tried to get up had blindsided him. He thought it didn’t matter anymore. He thought he had forgiven him, but the possibility that this could be the beginning  _ and  _ the end ate at the back of his mind. 

Byakuya’s heart entirely broke at Renji’s desperate pleas, and he moved closer to him, cuddling into his body as Renji held him. “I promise, Renji. I promise I won’t leave you again. I will stay with you and love you. I understand that what I did was inexcusable. That was why I said what I said. I want to see you in pleasure every day. Every single day that you’ll have me, I will be with you, in any way you want. I will give myself to you, pleasure you, allow you to pleasure me, anything you could possibly desire. The only way I will  _ ever  _ make up for my transgression is to completely surrender myself to you, and that is what I plan to do. Your emotional wound will heal with time, and I will be here, every step of the way while it does. I love you,” Byakuya said, speaking into the side of Renji’s neck. 

Renji took in every word, the tears still flowing from his eyes as he  _ felt  _ the vast conviction in every single statement. “Love you, Byakuya,” he said, his voice barely above a whisper. Finally, he allowed his arms around him to loosen, bringing a hand to Byakuya’s chin to tilt his face up and kiss his cheek. 

“Now, let me take care of you further. Come,” Byakuya beckoned, sliding out of Renji’s lap and off the bed, holding his hand out for Renji to take.

Renji took the offer, not putting much strain on Byakuya to help him from the bed. When he was led into the attached bathroom, he was amazed by the design of it, and Byakuya smiled at his wandering eyes and slight smile. “You know, it’s a little unfair that you have all of this to yourself,” Renji feigned a complaint.

Byakuya’s eyes shot up to him, brow furrowed with slight anger at the comment. But when he saw the teasing smile on Renji’s face, he let his guard down again. He was fully prepared to defend his right to have such things, given that he was of noble blood  _ and  _ a Captain, but he held his tongue. “I suppose it wouldn’t be so horrid to have someone to share it with,” he said, his tone light as he watched Renji’s reaction.

Renji’s eyes widened, and he halted his progress toward the shower at the far end of the room. 

“Yes, Renji, I am asking you to stay here with me. I believe it would benefit both of us,” Byakuya answered the unasked question that was obvious in his eyes. He didn’t truly want to admit that he didn’t want Renji to leave at risk of another emotional breakdown. If he discovered that Renji had a lapse in his own solitary quarters, he would never forgive himself. Just the fact that he confessed to waking up and thinking the previous day was a dream was enough to never let his Lieutenant out of his sight. If he was ever going to help mend the wound  _ he  _ had caused, he would have to allow Renji closer.

“I… uh, yeah, of course. I’d love to stay with you,” Renji replied. Though, when his shock waned and he really understood what he had just agreed to, a ridiculously wide grin spread on his face. 

Byakuya gave him a smile of his own, tugging on his hand to finish leading him to the shower. He turned on the water, facing Renji as he allowed it to heat. “I could apologize every day for the rest of our long lives and it would still never be enough. You need me, clearly, and I’ve realized I need you. You are now  _ mine,  _ and I will never take that responsibility lightly. I am so sorry I never realized it before - that you had such deep admiration for me - but I am going to do everything in my power to make it right. I will be with you every morning, every day in the office, and every night when you fall asleep,” he swore. 

Renji only nodded, bending the slight distance to kiss him gently. When he pulled back, Byakuya led him into the shower and pulled him under the spray. Renji only let go of Byakuya’s hand to tilt his face up into the flow of the water, letting it wet his skin and saturate his hair as he ran his hands through it. When he opened his eyes, rubbing the water from them, he found Byakuya intently watching him, not with desire or lust, but only interest. “What?” he asked with a small chuckle.

Byakuya smiled and shook his head. “I am only just noticing some things about you, and I love every small detail I’ve never bothered to see before,” he replied, closing his eyes to repeat Renji’s actions, running delicate fingers through his hair to be sure it was fully wetted before stepping back. Having Renji there, in such an intimate context, was more than he ever imagined he would be willing to give. But he  _ loved  _ this man, and it was impossible to deny now. Every time he looked at him, he saw something different - the way Renji smiled so freely, the way his tattoos accented every chiseled muscle, the way he looked rather fierce no matter what he was doing - and everything about him was amazing. There wasn’t a single thing Byakuya would change.

Renji gave him a soft smile, beginning to actively rinse himself off before Byakuya’s lithe hand caught his wrist, pulling him to the back of the shower to a bench and gently pressing his shoulders to silently instruct him to sit. 

“I told you I was going to care for you,” Byakuya said quietly. 

Renji watched as Byakuya reached for a loofah and soap, lathering and beginning to tenderly wash him. “Byakuya, you really don’t have to do this,” Renji said with a small laugh.

Byakuya glared down to him rather severely. “I  _ want  _ to, and I am going to. You deserve every bit of care I can muster,” he insisted, not stopping his gentle actions as he washed Renji’s body. When he reached past his chest, Byakuya knelt between his legs, continuing his task without a single distraction, even when Renji’s body began to react to the gentle attention.

Renji quickly brought his hand down to cover himself, his cheeks burning with obvious embarrassment. “Sorry, I don’t expect anything else from you, really. I just… it’ll take a while for me to be able to not react this way when you touch me,” he admitted.

Byakuya only chuckled, looking up to him and shaking his head. “I understand, and I’m not at all offended. I suppose I’ll simply have to keep doing these things to desensitize you a bit. You may move your hand, if you’d like. It doesn’t bother me, I assure you,” he said.

Renji’s face only flushed more heavily at his words - implying that this treatment would become commonplace. Though, Renji had to admit that this wasn’t usual for any of his previous relationships. Any full-body touching like this was sure to lead to  _ something  _ with his other partners, but the fact that Byakuya wanted to do these things simply to take care of him forced him to relax into the attention.

When Byakuya was finished with Renji, he quickly washed himself while Renji rinsed off, but he directed Renji back to the bench, much to the other man’s curiosity. Byakuya only smirked and grabbed another bottle, squeezing shampoo into his hand and lathering it into Renji’s hair. The instant and drastic transformation as he massaged Renji’s scalp was astonishing. When he looked down from where he stood before him, Renji’s eyes were closed and his shoulders were slumped, completely relaxed under Byakuya’s hands. 

Byakuya truly didn’t want to interrupt his calm, pulling his hands through his hair even when he knew it was clean, but eventually he did cease his movements, gradually slowing his hands so Renji was aware that he was preparing to stop. When he removed his hands completely, Renji stood and rinsed his hair, but still that bone-deep relaxation was evident in his posture, every movement slow and deliberate. Byakuya watched, washing his own hair as Renji stood under the water, letting it hit his face and flow down his body. He was actually beginning to doubt the man would move over and let him rinse his own hair, but at even the slightest touch, Renji moved aside, wringing out his drenched hair as Byakuya rinsed his. 

Byakuya turned off the water, squeezing the water from his own hair before leaning out to retrieve towels for each of them, handing one to Renji before beginning to dry himself. Renji had no idea how Byakuya did it, making every move he made look graceful and elegant. He was only drying himself off after a shower and Renji simply couldn’t keep his eyes off of him.

When they were both dried and dressed, Byakuya lay down on the bed, sighing contentedly as he sank into the pillows. Renji watched him, absolutely loving every moment that the man’s guard was completely shattered, leaving a small smile on his lips as he let those beautiful slate gray eyes slide shut. Renji lay down next to him, both of them on their sides facing each other. He leaned in to rest his forehead against Byakuya’s, closing his eyes to simply feel the closeness of their shared breath. 

“I love you, Byakuya. More than my own life,” Renji whispered. 

Byakuya’s heart leaped at the words. He was painfully aware of that fact, and it brought about memories he would rather burn than recall. He brought his hand up to run it through Renji’s wet hair, really to calm  _ himself  _ from the emotion that threatened to surface at the reminder. “I know, Renji. And I love you, so live. Live for me.”

Renji nodded, leaning into the hand in his hair. He never imagined that his dreams would actually, legitimately come true. Being with this man this way, both of them entirely at peace with one another,  _ in love  _ with each other, was something he had resigned himself to only imagining. But now that it was true, he was never, ever going to be willing to let it go. 

“I will, Byakuya. Every single minute - it’ll be for you.”


End file.
